Monday, December 27, 2010


OK, well, you don't celebrate Christmas. She doesn't celebrate Christmas. She's Jewish. You're cheap. You're a Jehovas Witness. She's away. Whatever the reason, I don't want to hear it. Every single woman in the world, I don't care who she is or where she's from, wants presents. There doesn't have to be an excuse, but if you can come up with one, you will become the star of her day.

You don't have to call it a "Christmas present" but you do have to wrap it, or at least put it in a pretty bag. Put a little effort into it is all I'm saying. Effort puts you so far ahead of the game, even a smidgeon of it, as so few men are willing to put effort into anything besides jerking off, and even that is a stretch.

Some great ideas for Christmas presents, if you're really that clueless that you have no idea what women like:

clothing / make up / gift certificates
a nice dinner
a trip somewhere
a nice dish / tea set / candle holders

All of these ideas suck without your enthusiasm and thoughtfulness. It's up to you to take whatever you get and put a little bit of je nais cest quai into it so that you don't look like the utter idiot you tend to look like the other 364 days of the year.

Notice lingerie is not on the list. That is a gift for you, not for her. Though many ladies do enjoy getting sexy toys and lingerie and things like that for gifts, make sure she has asked for it or at least hinted that she wants it.

A note about hinting: don't be so oblivious in life that you don't pick up hints. People who walk around clueless are the same people who get hit by buses. Keep your ears and eyes open at all times, except when sleeping, and especially around the woman you adore. This guarantees that you will be a better boyfriend than any of those other schmoes your girlfriend wasted precious minutes of her life with. Go get her, tiger!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Today's Lesson: PORN ETIQUETTE

Who doesn't love porn? It's hot (sometimes), ridiculous (usually) and athletically impressive (now and again). But something the boyfriends of the world need to understand is that PORN is not REAL LIFE. Sure, it's fun to play around with a video camera and a gal pal now and again but remember the golden rule: DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE DONE UNTO YOU.

Would you like an 8 inch phallus inserted, lovingly or otherwise, into your rectum? If you're not sure what that would feel like, just try to recall the largest hot pepper crap you've ever taken in your life. Would you like to wipe tablespoons of semen out of your eye socket? If you're not sure what that might feel like, just think of how it feels to get shampoo in your peepers. Would you like to involve feces in your sex life? If you love playing with dookie so much, why not just have a baby?

If the answer is yes to all those questions, you probably should break up with your girlfriend, unless she's into that stuff, too. These posts may seem like common sense but you'd be surprised at how daft people are when it comes to dating. As a last word, THIS.

Enjoy, and remember, porn is a fun sex tool and can be beneficial to a relationship, but you are not and probably never will be a porn star, and neither is your girlfriend. If you could date a porn star, you would be dating one, poo poo fingers.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Fan Mail

Today, we have a letter from a reader who wants to win his ex back, below. He promises more details to come. Does anyone want to take a psychic guess at what he might have done to lose his love?

I recently broke up with a girl I am madly in love with. I was not the best boyfriend ever, to be honest more towards the worst. She gave me countless chances and decided to give up on me but I am not giving up on her because I want to be better but I know I will only have one shot at this. Can you please respond so i may include details? I love her to death and I want the best for her but she doesn't trust or believe me. How do I fix this? (and trust me there's more)

Thank you,
[Pathetic Paramour]

Tune in soon to see what this lousy lothario may have done and how we can attempt to fix the problem. And send in your letters and questions!

Monday, January 12, 2009

How To Be A Better Boyfriend -- THE WORKSHOP!

Register for the *How To Be A Better Boyfriend* WORKSHOP and learn how to be
a responsible, caring man who can KEEP a partner around. This fun and silly yet
seriously inspirational workshop will teach you, in very simple terms, how to be
a better boyfriend.

In this workshop, you will learn:

*How to treat your partner right
*How to be a better lover
*How to get (or make) your sweetheart the right gifts for every occasion
*How to communicate better in your relationship
*How to develop your relationship and take it to the next level
*How to have more fun with your girlfriend
*How to use your sense of humor in the relationship
*Your best qualities and how to hone them
*How to be a better boyfriend!

...And So Much More!!!

This workshop is for men who:

-- are in relationships which they'd like to see improve
-- are just starting out in new relationships
-- have recently broken up with or were broken up with and aren't quite sure what went wrong
-- have recently broken up with or were broken up with and knew exactly what went wrong
-- men who are bad at having relationships
-- men who are bad boyfriends

In one 3 hour power course, you will learn some basics which will teach
you go from polished jerk to shining gem.

Discovering Your Inner Un-Jerk
Tuesday, January 27th
6:30 - 9:30 PM

email for details, location and to pre-register

Saturday, January 03, 2009

New Year's Nincompoop

Today we meet a man who found himself in techno-trouble with a tantalizing text message to a buddy.

I came accross your "how to be a better boyfriend blog" and I really need your advice. I have been with the same girl for 9 years. Anniversary was Dec 31 (2 days ago) which I totaly blew.

I really do love her but have found myself flirting too much lately with other girls. This time took the cake though. While my gf and I were at dinner for our special night, I texted my buddy commenting how hot the waitresses were. I got up and went to the bathroom and sure enough when I got back, she had read what I wrote and was in tears. I am such an idiot. Even though it may be harmless to me, it is definitely not to her. Needless to say dinner was finished immediately and I went to drop her off at her work (a bar) where she went and shared how much of an asshole I am with everyone there. She slept at a friends house and did call me all night (most of which I was too passsed out to hear.) She blasted me like crazy when she got home but then after a while of me apologizing and sincere crying, she seemed to forgive.

I still feel horribly guilty and can't really believe she is just going to brush that off so easily. What do you think I should do to try to make up for the anniversary and what should i do to take steps of being a 1 man guy and losing my urges for other women???

Dear Techno-Turd:

For starters, I don't think you will ever "lose your urges" for other women. And I'm not suggesting that you "lie" to yourself or anyone else about those urges. But I think you can manage your urges better, for starters, you goofy brained twit.

It appears that you knew what buttons to push to piss off your girlfriend, and then for some reason, perhaps unintentionally, but perhaps not, you went ahead and pushed them, crushing your girlfriend's ego on a night that was supposed to be about the two of you. You turned a romantic evening into a creep-a-thon. Way to go, shit for fingers. Though it seemed harmless enough to you, ask yourself -- what did you have to gain from writing that message? It wasn't funny or insightful. It was very after school special stupid of you. Are you a jock? Jocks are brainless doofuses who go after all the tail because their small brains don't have the intellect to know that beauty is fleeting. So, the next time you are driven to do something that you KNOW deep down is going to make you and your girlfriend feel disconnected, just ask yourself -- Am I a jock? If your response is -- "Duhhhh!" then, by all means, go ahead with your plan. If your answer is, "No", then put the cellphone down, man! And instead of looking everywhere else, look instead at your lady and tell HER that SHE is beautiful. That's the better boyfriend way.

It sounds to me like she got back at you in her mind. She spent New Year's Eve with her friend and when she got home, she blasted you, and then was willing to move on. If she is willing to forgive and forget, I think you should let her. If you want to try to make it up to her, that could be a nice gesture. Perhaps you can try to take her out to a restaurant where all the MEN are super hot. Are you man enough to take her to HUNKAMANIA in NYC, an all male revue, and let her get some eye candy in for a change?

As for losing your urges, as I mentioned, I don't know if that can happen, at least not until you are older and more mature. Sure, you may feel urges in your heart to think or say things that you know are going to hurt your girlfriend, but you don't have to act on them. Be in control of your mind and body. Perhaps meditation or yoga is something to consider -- something that helps you to focus on self control. But in the mean time, you can remember incidents like this and how much discord and calamity they cause. Who wants to spend even one minute crying? Crying is for sissies and faggots. Are you a sissy or a faggot? The next time you feel like crying, just ask yourself -- Am I a sissy or a faggot? Not that there is anything wrong with crying, or being a sissy, or being a faggot. But seriously. Crying should be saved for important events, like deaths and births and weddings, not for stupid text message dramas. BORING!

I had a boyfriend once who used jealousy to manipulate and control me. He would flirt vivaciously with women all the time -- in front of my face, behind my back and in every other angle of my vision. He knew it hurt me and he'd insist it didn't mean anything. But it meant to me that he didn't respect me or care about how it made me feel. And now, he can flirt with any woman he wants to, because he is single. Meanwhile, I've moved on into a very loving and caring relationship.

Life is short and you should remember that you are very lucky to find someone to love who loves you back. Appreciate that person, and have the self-esteem and the maturity to behave respectfully to yourself and to others, especially the woman you love.

Saturday, August 30, 2008


It's been awhile since I've updated this blog. I have been spending a lot of time looking inside and considering what I've been doing wrong and I think I might have figured it out.

I'm not going to get too detailed into it here, but I think it has a little bit to do with not knowing what I wanted and also not knowing what was out there. Perhaps there were some self-esteem issues hanging out in there as well.

But regarding the boyfriend for which this site was written, I'm thrilled to report that he is now an ex-boyfriend. And I am happy to report that after years of wrongfully and pointlessly trying to make my old boyfriend into a better boyfriend, I have found the better boyfriend I never knew existed. I've been watching him and will share some tips of how to be a better boyfriend that I learned from someone who really knows how to be a great boyfriend!

Gentlemen, if you are reading this, you're headed in the right direction. Hang in there, and good luck!

(as learned from experience)

Cook for your lady. Girls LOVE that. Cooking isn't too hard. It just takes a little practice. If you were raised in a family where food was scarce or where a family meal consisted of chopped up hot dogs on toast, it's ok. You can still learn to cook in just a few weeks.

A good starter meal is spaghetti and a nice bottle of wine. If you spend $8 - $10 on a bottle of wine, that'll do just fine. Trader Joe's also has their $3 chuck that is really not bad at all! I drink it by the bottle on a regular basis. Mmmmm! Alcohol-istic!

The trick to the spaghetti meal: make your own sauce. I know it may sound daunting but it's SO EASY and it tastes really good. And it's not that expensive. For less than $20 you can prepare a meal that looks like it costs $100.

Plus, spaghetti is almost impossible for even the most bird-brained dumb ass to ruin.

I'm going to walk you through it step by step.

First, get a big pot. If you don't have one and can't afford a Bed Bath and Beyond or Crate and Barrel spending spree, borrow one from a neighbor or buy one at the thrift store for $3. NOTE: I've touched up on this a few times and I'll touch upon it again. If you're a broke ass dude, dating might not be for you. Get a job, get your life in order and then you can date with more success. It's not that you have to have money so that you can buy a girl tons of things. But in order to live a serene life, YOU NEED SOME MONEY. Not a ton of money, but if you have to buy a $10 pot it shouldn't be something that's going to break the bank. Sometimes pots need to be bought. Sometimes pot. Either way, currency will be needed sometimes for dating (and for general life) purposes.

NOTE: If you're a bad cook and you just know it, sometimes the alternative pot helps...munchies don't judge.

2. Fill your pot 3/4 full with water. Pour a couple teaspoons of olive oil in there and a few dashes of salt. (Olive oil is preferred but any oil will do. This is so that the spaghetti doesn't stick together.) Let the water boil. While the water is boiling, make the sauce.


Get a box of those little grape or cherry tomatoes. Put them ALL in another smaller pot with about 2-3 cups of water and let the water boil until they are soft. The two pots of water will start boiling at around the same time. So when the pasta pot starts boiling, turn the fire down a little and add a half a box of spaghetti. (Angel hair is a really good spaghetti and it looks pretty on a plate. Bowtie pasta and Farfalle (the cork screw ones) also are nice for presentation purposes. They all cost less than a buck a box, usually.)

NOTE: If you can't find grape or cherry tomatoes, regular or plum tomatoes will work, too. Get three or four of them. And if you're just simply not into making your own sauce, get Barilla sauce. It's damn good.

When the tomatoes start boiling, turn the heat off. Take the tomatoes out and put them into a bowl. Put cold water on them so they cool down enough for you to handle. Squeeze the tomato part out of the cherry / grape skin so that just the mushy tomato middle is left. Throw the skin away. Put them into a bowl and mush them up with a fork. Add four tablespoons of olive oil, a few pinches of salt and pepper and 8 or 9 fresh basil leaves or a few tablespoons of sprinkled basil if you can't find fresh basil. Add some of the water you cooked the tomatoes in or a little more water to make it have some consistency. Mix it up. Add olives if you like or any other veggies you appreciate, but just the mushy tomatoes, basil, salt and pepper is impress-your-girlfriend-a-riffic.

When pasta is boiling, turn down the water and let it cook for a few more minutes. It doesn't take more than 8 or 9 minutes to have perfecto pasta. When you reach in with a fork and the pasta is wobbly, it's done. (They say you can throw it up and it will stick to the ceiling but that's super ghetto. Spin a fork through the water and if it's wobbly, it's done.)

Drain the water out through a collander, dump the waterless pasta back into the pot, add a little more olive oil to the pasta, mix it up, put it on a plate, toss a few tablespoons of sauce on it, put it on a table with napkins and cutlery and a few glasses of red wine and ta-da! You did it.

BONUS TIP: If your girlfriend is on her way over for dinner, be sure to time it (it will take about an hour) so that she will show up when it's almost ready to serve. Wear a cute apron while you cook so that when she walks in she sees you in it, for extra bonus points. Women love men who dress in drag. I'm telling you secret girl shit here. She'll think it was the cutest thing ever.

As you sit down to eat, make a toast to the two of you.

Sit back and wait for your girlfriend to goo goo, ga ga and coo all over you and show her appreciation to your nether regions later.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

This is a new blog segment called:

Letters From The "Most Honest" Person In The World

Christopher (my "super honest" boyfriend) writes seductive and provocative letters to a variety of women around the world (who aren't me) because obviously not having a job gives him lots of free time. In today's email, he writes to a girl who he constantly tells me as soon as he breaks up with me he is going to fuck her. He writes letters to her and asks her to come over, he has photos of her tits on his computer, here he asks her have lunch with he and I, and if not, then to just to go out with him for lunch. For the record, he's taken me out for lunch about one time in the last four years because he swears he's really broke and poor. Oh, and he's also the most busy person in the world. He doesn't have time to take me out, but he has plenty of time and money to take other girls out.

He just borrowed $2000 from his mom so that he could chase me to Edinburgh. I asked him not to come but he's insisting on going.

from Christopher to the girl:

Today, Jessica made some comment about you and so I said "let's go out for dinner---all THREE of us---so you can meet XXXXXX. You'll like her"
> Would you be game? Jessica has a harder time being prejudiced or angry at people she gets to know. (EX: she's now friends with a number of my ex-girlfriends. And two of her best buddies are girls who tried to seduce me and gave me head years back!) (I have high standards and refused to bang em or kiss em or such. They practically date raped me.)
> If you are unwilling to have dinner with us (somewhere cheap maybe Yaffa Cafe which I love) how about YOU AND I go out for brunch or such?
> I told jessica that every time she loses her temper or beats me I get to write love letters to girls as a response. So I should send you some more if she keeps it up.
> Women!
> Aargh,
> Christopher

Better Boyfriend Tip: If you are dating someone, don't write seductive or provocative letters to other women. The woman who you are dating is the woman who should get the most attention from you.