How To Be A Better Boyfriend -- THE WORKSHOP!

Register for the *How To Be A Better Boyfriend* WORKSHOP and learn how to be
a responsible, caring man who can KEEP a partner around. This fun and silly yet
seriously inspirational workshop will teach you, in very simple terms, how to be
a better boyfriend.

In this workshop, you will learn:

*How to treat your partner right
*How to be a better lover
*How to get (or make) your sweetheart the right gifts for every occasion
*How to communicate better in your relationship
*How to develop your relationship and take it to the next level
*How to have more fun with your girlfriend
*How to use your sense of humor in the relationship
*Your best qualities and how to hone them
*How to be a better boyfriend!

...And So Much More!!!

This workshop is for men who:

-- are in relationships which they'd like to see improve
-- are just starting out in new relationships
-- have recently broken up with or were broken up with and aren't quite sure what went wrong
-- have recently broken up with or were broken up with and knew exactly what went wrong
-- men who are bad at having relationships
-- men who are bad boyfriends

In one 3 hour power course, you will learn some basics which will teach
you go from polished jerk to shining gem.

HOW TO BE A BETTER BOYFRIEND
Discovering Your Inner Un-Jerk
Tuesday, January 27th
6:30 - 9:30 PM

email for details, location and to pre-register
jessdelfino@yahoo.com

New Year's Nincompoop

Today we meet a man who found himself in techno-trouble with a tantalizing text message to a buddy.

I came accross your "how to be a better boyfriend blog" and I really need your advice. I have been with the same girl for 9 years. Anniversary was Dec 31 (2 days ago) which I totaly blew.

I really do love her but have found myself flirting too much lately with other girls. This time took the cake though. While my gf and I were at dinner for our special night, I texted my buddy commenting how hot the waitresses were. I got up and went to the bathroom and sure enough when I got back, she had read what I wrote and was in tears. I am such an idiot. Even though it may be harmless to me, it is definitely not to her. Needless to say dinner was finished immediately and I went to drop her off at her work (a bar) where she went and shared how much of an asshole I am with everyone there. She slept at a friends house and did call me all night (most of which I was too passsed out to hear.) She blasted me like crazy when she got home but then after a while of me apologizing and sincere crying, she seemed to forgive.

I still feel horribly guilty and can't really believe she is just going to brush that off so easily. What do you think I should do to try to make up for the anniversary and what should i do to take steps of being a 1 man guy and losing my urges for other women???

Dear Techno-Turd:

For starters, I don't think you will ever "lose your urges" for other women. And I'm not suggesting that you "lie" to yourself or anyone else about those urges. But I think you can manage your urges better, for starters, you goofy brained twit.

It appears that you knew what buttons to push to piss off your girlfriend, and then for some reason, perhaps unintentionally, but perhaps not, you went ahead and pushed them, crushing your girlfriend's ego on a night that was supposed to be about the two of you. You turned a romantic evening into a creep-a-thon. Way to go, shit for fingers. Though it seemed harmless enough to you, ask yourself -- what did you have to gain from writing that message? It wasn't funny or insightful. It was very after school special stupid of you. Are you a jock? Jocks are brainless doofuses who go after all the tail because their small brains don't have the intellect to know that beauty is fleeting. So, the next time you are driven to do something that you KNOW deep down is going to make you and your girlfriend feel disconnected, just ask yourself -- Am I a jock? If your response is -- "Duhhhh!" then, by all means, go ahead with your plan. If your answer is, "No", then put the cellphone down, man! And instead of looking everywhere else, look instead at your lady and tell HER that SHE is beautiful. That's the better boyfriend way.

It sounds to me like she got back at you in her mind. She spent New Year's Eve with her friend and when she got home, she blasted you, and then was willing to move on. If she is willing to forgive and forget, I think you should let her. If you want to try to make it up to her, that could be a nice gesture. Perhaps you can try to take her out to a restaurant where all the MEN are super hot. Are you man enough to take her to HUNKAMANIA in NYC, an all male revue, and let her get some eye candy in for a change?

As for losing your urges, as I mentioned, I don't know if that can happen, at least not until you are older and more mature. Sure, you may feel urges in your heart to think or say things that you know are going to hurt your girlfriend, but you don't have to act on them. Be in control of your mind and body. Perhaps meditation or yoga is something to consider -- something that helps you to focus on self control. But in the mean time, you can remember incidents like this and how much discord and calamity they cause. Who wants to spend even one minute crying? Crying is for sissies and faggots. Are you a sissy or a faggot? The next time you feel like crying, just ask yourself -- Am I a sissy or a faggot? Not that there is anything wrong with crying, or being a sissy, or being a faggot. But seriously. Crying should be saved for important events, like deaths and births and weddings, not for stupid text message dramas. BORING!

I had a boyfriend once who used jealousy to manipulate and control me. He would flirt vivaciously with women all the time -- in front of my face, behind my back and in every other angle of my vision. He knew it hurt me and he'd insist it didn't mean anything. But it meant to me that he didn't respect me or care about how it made me feel. And now, he can flirt with any woman he wants to, because he is single. Meanwhile, I've moved on into a very loving and caring relationship.

Life is short and you should remember that you are very lucky to find someone to love who loves you back. Appreciate that person, and have the self-esteem and the maturity to behave respectfully to yourself and to others, especially the woman you love.

HOW TO BE A BETTER BOYFRIEND REUNION

It's been awhile since I've updated this blog. I have been spending a lot of time looking inside and considering what I've been doing wrong and I think I might have figured it out.

I'm not going to get too detailed into it here, but I think it has a little bit to do with not knowing what I wanted and also not knowing what was out there. Perhaps there were some self-esteem issues hanging out in there as well.

But regarding the boyfriend for which this site was written, I'm thrilled to report that he is now an ex-boyfriend. And I am happy to report that after years of wrongfully and pointlessly trying to make my old boyfriend into a better boyfriend, I have found the better boyfriend I never knew existed. I've been watching him and will share some tips of how to be a better boyfriend that I learned from someone who really knows how to be a great boyfriend!

Gentlemen, if you are reading this, you're headed in the right direction. Hang in there, and good luck!

HOW TO BE A BETTER BOYFRIEND
(as learned from experience)
EPISODE 243: MALES WHO MAKE MEALS MELT MAMAS or...

Cook for your lady. Girls LOVE that. Cooking isn't too hard. It just takes a little practice. If you were raised in a family where food was scarce or where a family meal consisted of chopped up hot dogs on toast, it's ok. You can still learn to cook in just a few weeks.

A good starter meal is spaghetti and a nice bottle of wine. If you spend $8 - $10 on a bottle of wine, that'll do just fine. Trader Joe's also has their $3 chuck that is really not bad at all! I drink it by the bottle on a regular basis. Mmmmm! Alcohol-istic!

The trick to the spaghetti meal: make your own sauce. I know it may sound daunting but it's SO EASY and it tastes really good. And it's not that expensive. For less than $20 you can prepare a meal that looks like it costs $100.

Plus, spaghetti is almost impossible for even the most bird-brained dumb ass to ruin.

I'm going to walk you through it step by step.

First, get a big pot. If you don't have one and can't afford a Bed Bath and Beyond or Crate and Barrel spending spree, borrow one from a neighbor or buy one at the thrift store for $3. NOTE: I've touched up on this a few times and I'll touch upon it again. If you're a broke ass dude, dating might not be for you. Get a job, get your life in order and then you can date with more success. It's not that you have to have money so that you can buy a girl tons of things. But in order to live a serene life, YOU NEED SOME MONEY. Not a ton of money, but if you have to buy a $10 pot it shouldn't be something that's going to break the bank. Sometimes pots need to be bought. Sometimes pot. Either way, currency will be needed sometimes for dating (and for general life) purposes.



NOTE: If you're a bad cook and you just know it, sometimes the alternative pot helps...munchies don't judge.



2. Fill your pot 3/4 full with water. Pour a couple teaspoons of olive oil in there and a few dashes of salt. (Olive oil is preferred but any oil will do. This is so that the spaghetti doesn't stick together.) Let the water boil. While the water is boiling, make the sauce.

SAUCE:

Get a box of those little grape or cherry tomatoes. Put them ALL in another smaller pot with about 2-3 cups of water and let the water boil until they are soft. The two pots of water will start boiling at around the same time. So when the pasta pot starts boiling, turn the fire down a little and add a half a box of spaghetti. (Angel hair is a really good spaghetti and it looks pretty on a plate. Bowtie pasta and Farfalle (the cork screw ones) also are nice for presentation purposes. They all cost less than a buck a box, usually.)

NOTE: If you can't find grape or cherry tomatoes, regular or plum tomatoes will work, too. Get three or four of them. And if you're just simply not into making your own sauce, get Barilla sauce. It's damn good.



When the tomatoes start boiling, turn the heat off. Take the tomatoes out and put them into a bowl. Put cold water on them so they cool down enough for you to handle. Squeeze the tomato part out of the cherry / grape skin so that just the mushy tomato middle is left. Throw the skin away. Put them into a bowl and mush them up with a fork. Add four tablespoons of olive oil, a few pinches of salt and pepper and 8 or 9 fresh basil leaves or a few tablespoons of sprinkled basil if you can't find fresh basil. Add some of the water you cooked the tomatoes in or a little more water to make it have some consistency. Mix it up. Add olives if you like or any other veggies you appreciate, but just the mushy tomatoes, basil, salt and pepper is impress-your-girlfriend-a-riffic.

When pasta is boiling, turn down the water and let it cook for a few more minutes. It doesn't take more than 8 or 9 minutes to have perfecto pasta. When you reach in with a fork and the pasta is wobbly, it's done. (They say you can throw it up and it will stick to the ceiling but that's super ghetto. Spin a fork through the water and if it's wobbly, it's done.)

Drain the water out through a collander, dump the waterless pasta back into the pot, add a little more olive oil to the pasta, mix it up, put it on a plate, toss a few tablespoons of sauce on it, put it on a table with napkins and cutlery and a few glasses of red wine and ta-da! You did it.

BONUS TIP: If your girlfriend is on her way over for dinner, be sure to time it (it will take about an hour) so that she will show up when it's almost ready to serve. Wear a cute apron while you cook so that when she walks in she sees you in it, for extra bonus points. Women love men who dress in drag. I'm telling you secret girl shit here. She'll think it was the cutest thing ever.

As you sit down to eat, make a toast to the two of you.

Sit back and wait for your girlfriend to goo goo, ga ga and coo all over you and show her appreciation to your nether regions later.

This is a new blog segment called:

Letters From The "Most Honest" Person In The World

Christopher (my "super honest" boyfriend) writes seductive and provocative letters to a variety of women around the world (who aren't me) because obviously not having a job gives him lots of free time. In today's email, he writes to a girl who he constantly tells me as soon as he breaks up with me he is going to fuck her. He writes letters to her and asks her to come over, he has photos of her tits on his computer, here he asks her have lunch with he and I, and if not, then to just to go out with him for lunch. For the record, he's taken me out for lunch about one time in the last four years because he swears he's really broke and poor. Oh, and he's also the most busy person in the world. He doesn't have time to take me out, but he has plenty of time and money to take other girls out.

He just borrowed $2000 from his mom so that he could chase me to Edinburgh. I asked him not to come but he's insisting on going.

from Christopher to the girl:

Today, Jessica made some comment about you and so I said "let's go out for dinner---all THREE of us---so you can meet XXXXXX. You'll like her"
>
> Would you be game? Jessica has a harder time being prejudiced or angry at people she gets to know. (EX: she's now friends with a number of my ex-girlfriends. And two of her best buddies are girls who tried to seduce me and gave me head years back!) (I have high standards and refused to bang em or kiss em or such. They practically date raped me.)
>
> If you are unwilling to have dinner with us (somewhere cheap maybe Yaffa Cafe which I love) how about YOU AND I go out for brunch or such?
>
> I told jessica that every time she loses her temper or beats me I get to write love letters to girls as a response. So I should send you some more if she keeps it up.
>
> Women!
>
> Aargh,
> Christopher

Better Boyfriend Tip: If you are dating someone, don't write seductive or provocative letters to other women. The woman who you are dating is the woman who should get the most attention from you.

QUESTION FROM A READER: ON DEALING WITH AN ANGRY BOYFRIEND

Heyyy. Chanced upon your blog a few hours ago. Awesome advice but what do you do when your boyfriend is angry at you?? Some tips?

Signed,
Fatima

Dear Fatima:

This blog is not a "Tips For When Your Boyfriend Is Mad At You" blog. This is a blog, mostly for men, about "How To Be A Better Boyfriend."

That being said, this brings up a good point:

Good boyfriends don't get mad at their girlfriends.

Good boyfriends live to make their girlfriends happy. They cook for their girlfriends. They take them out. They show them a GOOD TIME. They tell them jokes and paint their toe nails. If your boyfriend isn't doing these things, maybe he should be reading this blog.

Fatima, what is he mad at you about? Who does he think he is? Doesn't he know that you wear the pants? He is lucky you don't pack your bags and ditch his mad ass.

Unfortunately for women, there are so many hotter women out there than there are men. But most women are nuts. You, Fatima, are not. You are a fluffy pancake of bliss. So, what is going on in his man brain?

If your boyfriend is mad at you, I suggest you respond with kindness, no matter how ridiculous his anger may be. People in general, and especially testosterone laden men, don't respond well when they are mad to you being mad, too. Put on a goo goo face, tickle his tummy, and treat him just like a fat little baby who needs a meal and a nap, because that's what he is. No matter what he says, don't lose your temper. When you lose your temper, YOU LOSE!

Don't mock his anger, Fatima, because that will just make him cheat on you.

Say, "What's wrong?" in your sweetest voice. Rub his shoulders while he tells you. Give him neck kisses and in the lightest of condescending tones, remind him over and over that he's not mad at you, and that you love him. Stop doing whatever it is that makes him mad, if it's something you can stop doing. If it's not, you're going to have to learn how to do it a little less obviously.

Good luck with that mad man!

'HOW TO BE A BETTER BOYFRIEND' PRESENTS:

Tip #2,143: Clean up your life...starting with your home

SO, you're in between jobs. Not a big deal. You'll get one, you'll pull your share. You aren't a total loser. You're spending some of your day reading this blog, so that is a good start, fella!

However, your girlfriend does have a job. And her job is to show up someplace and get bugged by people all day. "Can I use your friga-frag?" they ask, and then never give the friggin' friga-frag back, leaving her to chase them down for it. "Can I borrow you for a minute?" they imply, and then use her for well over one minute's worth of minutes. "Hi. You look like you need to hear a really boring story about my offspring," they insist in not so many words. Their subtext should come with a warning, but it never does. And even if it did, the only escape is the shitter. And can you really call that an escape?

Then, she comes home, and there you are, in front of the computer / tv / glowing box of some kind, in your underwear / boxers / speedos, and the place looks like a tornado hit it. And it has been hit by a tornado. And that tornado's name is YOU.

This tip can be called a lot of different things. It can be called, "Stop Being A Lazy Sponge." It could be referred to as, "Grow UP, Your Momma Don't Live Here." But you KNOW that, jack ass! It could even be titled, "KILL YOURSELF," but we've really already covered that topic. (See: TIP #114: TO KEEP THE DATING POOL CLEAN, LOSERS MUST COMMIT SUICIDE)

So, for now, we'll just aptly call it, "Clean up your life...starting with your home."

Here are some things you can do to make life better and easier for your girlfriend, so she's not tempted to run away with her silver fox, really just as bad as you boss who just seems better because even though he has a wife, at least he's got a job. If you do this whole list, or even any part of it, she WILL be impressed. And she WILL be shocked and awed. And she WILL like you a little bit better, at least for a few precious moments. And she WILL be tricked into thinking that, maybe there is hope for the two of you at happiness. Little does she know that happiness doesn't exist, and especially not with you, but why spoil the surprise?

Oddly, many men don't know how to do this very basic stuff.
So here are simple lessons within today's lesson:

1. Wow her with clean dishes. Easy! They won't take more than fifteen minutes. You can listen to the game while you scrub, because you probably love sports, because why wouldn't you? You're an utter shit head! But though I can't change your love for men tackling each other, which, let's be honest, is kind of gay, I can help you make subtle improvements in your life.
Take a sponge and squirt soap onto it. Rub it on the dish, especially on areas where there are grime or spots. Wash it til the crud is gone. Rinse off. Repeat until no dishes are left. Bravo! You're almost not retarded!

IDIOT WARNING: While you're listening to the game, do not touch the radio or tv with wet hands, to turn up the sound or what have you. This can cause electrocution which can kill you. Though killing yourself would be one of the kindest things you could do for your girlfriend, I don't want to be responsible for your retarded death.

2. Surprise her! Wash the toilet with a (toilet, not a hair) brush. If you don't own a toilet brush, go buy one. Get into your rusty Subaru and drive it to Walmart and BUY one. They cost less than $5. While you're there, buy a bottle of bleach. It's called CLOROX, but even the cheap generic kind will do the trick. When you get home, go into the bathroom (you know the room well, it's where you spend most of your free time) dump a half a cup of bleach into the toilet and scrub off all (what is mostly your) leavings. Take the brush and scrub it around, like it's your teeth. When done, flush it all away, the way your girlfriend did with her hopes and dreams when she settled for you.

You can also buy fancy toilet cleaner, but it's more expensive and
doesn't necessarily do a better job.

IDIOT WARNING: Don't mix bleach and ammonia, unless you want to do your girlfriend a favor and kill yourself. It creates a poisonous fume that, upon your inhaling, will make your girlfriend's life instantly better. So, warning: don't mix bleach and ammonia.

3. Shock her into submission. Vacuum. You probably have one in some closet somewhere. You don't know where it is, because you've probably never vacuumed in your life. But it's easy. Just look in all the closets until you see something that looks like a sleeping plastic/metal robot, and plug it in. It will make a loud noise, but don't be scared! It's just a piece of electrical machinery that picks up dust and dirt using a sucking motion. Push the vacuum back and forth over carpeted and non-carpeted areas. It's similar to masturbating, so you
should be able to master the motion in moments.


IDIOT WARNING: Do not apply sucking hose nozzle over your penis, even if you heard it is great fun. Even if I just used the word sucking. It can cause serious penis trauma. Plus, going to the hospital because you put a vacuum on your penis will be embarrassing, because someone who works at the hospital will send photos of, what will be referred to by everyone you know as "the vacuum incident" to the local newspaper.
You have been warned.

4. Knock her socks off! Do the laundry. I know you think she actually enjoys washing your semen-encrusted socks, but guess what? She DOESN'T. Start out by just doing yours until you get better at it. (That alone will stun her so much, she'll probably think you're cheating on her.)
It sucks to try to do your girlfriend a favor and then you accidentally wash and ruin a very expensive, non-replaceable silk or wool garment, simply because you are a complete moron. And it is less work for you to do, as you're super lazy and the world knows it.

Don't forget to sort your white clothes together in one pile, and all the other things that are other colors in another pile. But Jessica, I've been mixing my clothes together for years, you internally say as you read this. Well, boyfriend. YOU. ARE. A. RETARD. What are you going to trust? Your retarded brain? Or my smart one? Sort them. If you're doing it at the laundry mat, just ask someone who works there for help, if you're truly as despicable as you probably are. If you have a washer/dryer at home, call your girlfriend at work and ask her to guide you through it. She'll probably be glad you called. While you have her on the phone, tell her you miss her and can't wait to see her. Then, go make the bed. It's so easy even you can do it. Put the blankets in order, sheet first, then blanket. You don't even have to tuck them in. Just sort of lay them on the bed. She'll be so shocked you did that much, she won't complain that they aren't laid out in a more fancy manner.

If you can complete all of these tasks today, Congratulations! You are on the road to becoming a better, not completely incompetent, boyfriend.

Now, repeat this series of tasks about once a week.

Tune in for the next installment, where I teach you more lessons about how to become something resembling an atypical, improved species of the human male.

Until then, remember! No peenie in the suckie tube!

An introspective, potential better boyfriend writes in today

This long entry was inspired by a gentleman in the Austrian army.

He writes:

i was reading your better boyfirend blog as im not the greatest boyfriend and need to find a way to make my girl feel more loved.

we live apart because of my profession (australian army) and she is tired of her friends and family telling her we shouldnt be together and defending our relationship.

i have trouble showing her how much i really appeciate her and everythign she does, do you have any ideas on how i can show her how much i really appreciate her because im struck for ideas and i want to spend the rest of my life with her

any help would be most appreciated

signed,
****

*His name has been changed to protect this stranger, so I shall rename him:

Armed With Love (and weapons)

Dear Armed With Love (and weapons):

I have a few suggestions for you. For starters, it sounds like you need some serious help, and unfortunately, I'm not really a serious person and this is not really a serious help site. So, that sucks for you.

Second, I have very bad news. The first thing you are going to have to do if you want to be a better boyfriend to this girl is to quit the army. You can't be a good boyfriend from far away. You just can't. You can be a pal, you can be a buddy, you can be a pen pal. But you can't really be a boyfriend. I believe that physical love is really the main component of a relationship.

I'll use this analogy an old boyfriend told me once long ago: A relationship is like an omelette. And sex is the eggs. You can have lots of other things in the omelette too, like veggies and cheese, and chives and salt, but you can't have an omelette without the eggs.

I have been in a long distance relationship (I had a boyfriend who went to jail for seven months - he was an activist and went to jail illegally - more on that some other time) and though he showered me with letters (I got one almost daily, and of course, you should be doing the same thing for your lady gal) it was really hard to be away from this man I had loved emotionally and physically for that long. I'm a very busy performer and I spent a lot of time touring, hanging out with great (mostly) female friends who weren't trying to get into my pants, and visiting him in jail, and I was able to muster through. But without any exaggeration, it was the loneliest, most miserable experience I've ever encountered. I don't recommend it.

I missed him, of course, but the worst part was the time I spent worrying about him. It consumed almost every moment of my waking day. (He was attacked by guards, he was put through traumatizing and violent "correctional" activities, and my friends and TV shows with their obsession on jail rape didn't help any.) My only peace was found in sleep and at the bottom of a bottle. A very big bottle.

So, if you want to be the best boyfriend you can to this girl, I'd recommend that you quit the army and go be her boyfriend.

Therefore, I guess it depends on your morales here, and how important this girl is to you, compared to being in the army. It is a decision you'll have to make alone, comrade.

I hate to ruin the party, but your girlfriend may have already found company in another male companion. I didn't cheat on my boyfriend while he was gone, and some women don't cheat, but it was REALLY hard. And unfortunately, the women I've known who had men in the army - cheated. But to be a better boyfriend, understanding is imperative. So you might need to accept the possibility that this may be so, and then be willing to forgive her and understand why this has happened. If it has happened. If it has not happened, yes, you are very lucky and will need to quit the army to reward her for being so awesome.

The last piece of advice I have is this: don't die or lose any limbs in the army. That will fuck EVERYTHING up. You have no idea how crushing emotionally it will be to this girl to lose you like that! So be extra careful. And finally, when you get out of the army, don't go back in.

So, in closing:

1. Write her letters almost every day if you haven't been already. Don't forget to spell check! Sending small gifts is nice, too, or a piece of your clothing if you can. Smells are important in refreshing the senses. Don't send her a sweaty ball holder. Send her a t-shirt you've slept in after washing. And calling every day is helpful. She needs something that is of you to stay connected to you, be it your voice, your letters or a trinket you send her. Phone sex actually kind of works, too.

2. Forgive her if she has cheated. Don't even ask about it. Just assume she has and forgive her for it / understand.

3. Quit the army, don't die, and when you get out, don't go back in ever again.

It sounds like you were just looking for advice on how to reward your girlfriend for defending you to her family and being so great, but this blog doesn't really work that way. However, I like to please the people. So, I'd say, really, quit the army.

If you can't quit the army, send that chick all your money.

When you get out of the army and want some ideas on how to spoil her, write back to me and I'll refresh my advice then.

Another hard truth is that if you truly care about this poor girl, sometimes you have to do that old set love free thing that all the old wise assholes talk about. You might consider breaking up with her and dating someone in the army, then trying to be a good boyfriend to the army lady. Like, you could carry her mess hall tray and shit like that. That way, the poor other girl could get on with her life and get a decent night's sleep. When you get out of the army, if you aren't mangled or handicapped and are meant to be together, she will re-embrace you with open arms.

Remember - it's really all up to you how you handle it. This entry was written as a humorous essay inspired by your letter, and is not intented to hurt you or anyone else. I wish you luck, safety, a happy, healthy, prosperous life, peace, and all the cake you can have AND eat.

Please keep us posted.

Until next time, dear readers, keep your hearts open and don't forget to bribe fate if you see that bitch!