Thursday, September 15, 2005

Hey, sir! You can be a better boyfriend! Here's how.

Today's Tip: No one likes to babysit a drunk.

No one wants to hang out with someone who who got drunk, turned obnoxious, and then got sick or hurt. And they definitely don't want to hang out with someone who who got drunk, turned obnoxious, and then got sick or hurt twice.

The next time you are taking your lady out with a plan to drink, follow these easy rules if you want to not be a dumb jerk.

Rule #1: Don't drink too much. I'm not going to tell you
the number of drinks that equals too many, because it's different for everyone. A very good starting tip: Don't drink on an empty stomach.

Rule #2: If you accidentally get too drunk, STOP DRINKING IMMEDIATELY. You know that feeling you get where you're like, ahhhh! I'm so drunk! Everything is spinning! Holy shit, this is fucking awesome! Oh, no, I think I'm gonna barf! And now I think I just peed. Try to start setting a precedent in your head now that THOSE KINDS OF THOUGHTS = YOU ARE DRUNK.

Set down that watered down glass of Jack, Jack. Tell your date you are too drunk. The best thing to do is ask her to take you home, or get yourself home. She might even nurse you back to health - with her vagina!

Rule #3: If you are a belligerent drunk, DON'T DO THAT. It's going to be hard to get someone else to play Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir" for you while you puke. And it really helps take the edge off a hardcore hurl if you're getting the Led out along with the excess booze. So, APOLOGIZE for being rude to your ladyfriend (we'll already assume you've probably done or said a half dozen things that have been just plain wrong) and nicely ask her to crank up the Zep for you while you hurl. Provided, she stuck around that long.
If she did, you might consider becoming a better boyfriend because it's not easy to find a nice girl who will hang while you hurl.

Rule #4: When you wake up the next day with a huge headache, blurry vision and vomit in your hair, make up for ruining that night out by taking her on a different date (if she'll let you) and maybe just have ONE DRINK ONLY that night, if any drinks at all.

If you get your courage from a bottle, you don't need a girlfriend, you need a psychotherapist and some fucking balls. Don't be a pussy. That's a tip for next time.

Until next time, remember, being a better boyfriend can keep your hair free of green chunks.


Blogger Jessica Klarkson said...

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8:29 PM  
Blogger Mack said...

I agree with Jessica Klarkson. Your blog is quite informative. I hope it helps me gget nursed back to health, with a vagina, sometime very soon!

2:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Christ, a girlfriend as annoying as you would drive me to drink...

6:55 AM  
Blogger Obbop said...

Any wonder why it is common knowledge that it is the dog who is man's best friend?

3:00 PM  

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