Saturday, November 26, 2005

TIP #32: PUT ON PANTS SOMETIMES

Getting close to a guy might mean that you'll be very intimate. You might even feel the inside of his butt hole with your finger, if fate allows for it. But after you're done being intimate, in the following moments to hours when you're lounging around the pad, for christ's sake, man, put on some god damn pants. Shorts will do, or sweats, but not denim - not when you're cuddling around the pad. Basically anything cozy and fuzzy will do, soft cotton, fluffy jogging pants. This is stage two of intimacy, called cozy, hugging mode. This is not a time for plastic or parachute pants, nor anything with random exposed velcro patches just for display. Hammer pants might work. Pants on an exposed, cut (or even sorta cut) torso is often a winning vision. But if it's not cut or sorta cut, put pants on your torso, too, in the form of a soft tee shirt, a fuzzy or stretchy top, a fluffy thingy, or something else. Not a towel. Not a too small tank top. Not a rubber haute couture number. Not a scratchy jacket-y thing.

If you're palling around in hang out mode, and one or both of you is always naked during this time, there should be a pile of heroin nearby or certification papers.

I mean, sure, I dig seeing your thingy bouncing around all over the place, especially when it's bouncing around all over the place before, during and even for a time after entry. But it's only cute protruding through your underwear that *should* be white for up to an hour after our savory time. Then it's just...um, dirty.

After that, it's time to remember that you have neighbors, and that no matter how much your girl ***loves!!!!*** you, familiarity, with ANY part of your body, including your body as a whole, clothed or naked, breeds contempt.

On the other hand, don't finish doing it, then jump up and make a mad 50 yard dash to put on your khakis, belt and boat shoes. And for god's sake, don't do a running long jump into the shower directly after sex. It's just fucking rude. If you're that afraid of being dirty, you might as well wash your hands with a brillo pad and pesticides, 48 times a day. You shouldn't be having sex, you should be gargling Murphy's Oil.

Until next time, remember, there's a fine line between being an uptight asshole and toooooo loooooooose. Note and observe the line!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Today's Tip: Jewelry

Hey boyfriend. If you love your girl, you will buy her jewelry. Maybe you take her to the movies, though! Maybe you take her out to dinner, though! And, maybe you drive her around town in your car, though! Maybe you do her nice favors, like pick her up a thissy or a thatty at the store, though!

Well, those things are just dandy, Jack, but if you LOVE a girl; I mean, if you REALLY, REALLY LOVE a girl, you buy her a piece of jewelry. You don't have to buy her a WEDDING RING, you don't have to spend a thousand dollars at Tiffany's.

You can even MAKE her a piece of jewelry, if you're crafty enough to, though just about any idiot can make a piece of jewelry, you don't have to be a genius to figure it out. As a matter of fact, she'll probably appreciate it even more if you make it yourself, provided it's not totally ugly. You can make jewelry out of just about anything. Google how to make jewelry on line. Impress the girl, dammit!

You can give her a pin or an antique broach, even though it's not all the rage to give a girl a broach anymore, it's unique and strange, and says something to a girl, like, "I think you are unique and strange."

You can give her a piece of beaded jewelry or a hair barrette or a pair of earrings if you are too scared to give her a ring. Rings do symbolize something kind of intense and grand, and if you're reading this blog, you're probably not there yet.

Guys who really like their girlfriends get them gifts of LOVE. Gifts of love are not toasters, or yoga classes, or CDs or gift certificates, or cook ware. Gifts of LOVE are gifts that you give that say everything for you. Jewelry, something ornate, something delicious, something extravagant, something out of character from you, something that means you'll have to be alone to use it, something that involves packing a suitcase and leaving town together. Those are gifts of LOVE.

If you don't LOVE the girl you're dating, why bother?

Christmas is coming up, and if you're someone who plans to get your lady a corporate mall gift because you feel obligated and have no creativity, here's an idea, just stick your own penis in your own asshole instead. Get a gal a gift because you want to and because you like her, and make it something nice, because if you don't, she will ditch your ass for a sensitive guy with a pony tail.

That's today's tip. Read it and do it.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

GOOD BOYFRIENDS DON'T GO TO JAIL

If you have the urge to go to jail, just think twice about it. Good boyfriends do NOT go to jail.

Think about what happens while you are in jail, boyfriend. Your girlfriend is sad and alone. That guy who had his eye on her anyway (and you know that at any given moment, there are at least 10 - 15 of those guys, depending on how hot your missy is) knows you went to jail, because he read it in the crime blotter or whatever. So, keep that in mind as you're getting ready to rob a bank/break and enter/pull off a heist featuring a Merecedes and three bald, well-suited fellows/freedom fight the system.

These are the things that you should think about:

1. Am I willing to let my girlfriend get made sweet, sweet love to by that guy she works with who she always tells me is so funny while I'm locked up in the slammer?
2. Is the crime I'm about to commit worth the time?
3. Can I just punch a punching bag or eat some chips or do some other activity that will be equally fulfilling?

Remember, boys, good boyfriends stay out of jail, so they can cook for their girlfriends, massage their feet with tea tree oil, run their fingers through their lady's silken tresses, kiss the delicate triangle of consumation just above their knee caps and just below their belly buttons!

So, the question for you right now should be, what kind of boyfriend are you? A good one or a bad one? And the second question is, can you be better somehow, like by staying out of jail?

If you are one of those guys who would never go to jail because you have a friend or relative high up in the system, or you're a law abiding wiener or whatever the case may be, you should know that being boring and safe does nothing for your relationship either.

It's better to walk the fine line, you adorable jack ass.