Saturday, November 26, 2005

TIP #32: PUT ON PANTS SOMETIMES

Getting close to a guy might mean that you'll be very intimate. You might even feel the inside of his butt hole with your finger, if fate allows for it. But after you're done being intimate, in the following moments to hours when you're lounging around the pad, for christ's sake, man, put on some god damn pants. Shorts will do, or sweats, but not denim - not when you're cuddling around the pad. Basically anything cozy and fuzzy will do, soft cotton, fluffy jogging pants. This is stage two of intimacy, called cozy, hugging mode. This is not a time for plastic or parachute pants, nor anything with random exposed velcro patches just for display. Hammer pants might work. Pants on an exposed, cut (or even sorta cut) torso is often a winning vision. But if it's not cut or sorta cut, put pants on your torso, too, in the form of a soft tee shirt, a fuzzy or stretchy top, a fluffy thingy, or something else. Not a towel. Not a too small tank top. Not a rubber haute couture number. Not a scratchy jacket-y thing.

If you're palling around in hang out mode, and one or both of you is always naked during this time, there should be a pile of heroin nearby or certification papers.

I mean, sure, I dig seeing your thingy bouncing around all over the place, especially when it's bouncing around all over the place before, during and even for a time after entry. But it's only cute protruding through your underwear that *should* be white for up to an hour after our savory time. Then it's just...um, dirty.

After that, it's time to remember that you have neighbors, and that no matter how much your girl ***loves!!!!*** you, familiarity, with ANY part of your body, including your body as a whole, clothed or naked, breeds contempt.

On the other hand, don't finish doing it, then jump up and make a mad 50 yard dash to put on your khakis, belt and boat shoes. And for god's sake, don't do a running long jump into the shower directly after sex. It's just fucking rude. If you're that afraid of being dirty, you might as well wash your hands with a brillo pad and pesticides, 48 times a day. You shouldn't be having sex, you should be gargling Murphy's Oil.

Until next time, remember, there's a fine line between being an uptight asshole and toooooo loooooooose. Note and observe the line!

18 Comments:

Blogger jolie said...

love it - your blog is hilarious. I shared it with the superfriends - come by and visit us some time

http://jolie1.blogspot.com/2005/11/hilarious-blog-particularly-given-my.html

8:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you advice even though I do not want a girl friend in the near future. Lots of this stuff is good for a casual dater like me. Could you maybe post something about maintenance of the nether region? I don't want to look like a topiary but some advice would be helpful.

7:37 PM  
Blogger m.d. said...

wow. what epiphanies i've experienced by reading your web log. how insightful! with your advice, i'll never be lonely again!!

7:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there,i laughed my pants off at your funny comments.i simply just dig the way you speak things.Nice humor and related issues! You're one of a kind..dont stop writing,you've got fans reading ur gd tips.Lots of my fiends are so into ur blog.I have a girlfriend and i think you're gonna be a constant and great friend with gd tips. keep em' coming! take care and enjoy the coming christmas jessica! =)

Bats

9:57 AM  
Blogger AstroGirl said...

oh..you are so absolutely spot on ! you go girl !!

8:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow... you sure have a lot of hangups.

2:02 PM  
Blogger Never teh bride said...

I like it when my bf lets his "thingy" dangle in the breeze. Familiarty can also breed fun! As can Chlorine gas!

3:13 PM  
Blogger Alex said...

My GF and I regularly lounge about bare-ass naked. Yesterday, I wore some pajama bottoms.

GF: Why are you wearing those?

Me: Um. I read on the internets that women like it when men wear pants.

GF: Take 'em off, stupid.

THEN SHE MADE ME DO DISHES. THANKS, INTERNETS ADVICE LADY, FER NUTHIN'!

3:43 PM  
Blogger Yeager said...

Too small tank top!

3:47 PM  
Anonymous sophie said...

oh for christ's sake .... stop moaning and whinging!! Your advice maybe ok for someone who wants to be YOUR boyfriend, but certainly doesn't apply to everyone else; In fact it's really rather patronising!

Surely if a man doesnt have the brain power to think for himself but instead to take the advice of some whinging blogger, then it's unlikely your advice is going to make him more attractive nad a better boyfriend anyway.

Just dump him and get happy woman!

5:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!
As a woman I now understand why men beat their girlfriends/wives!!! Hell I want to beat the stupid tart!!!!!!!

6:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey girlfriend. you go girl! woo yeah. girl power

8:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

grill power

http://www.qed-uk.com/?vp=5&bg=313&bp=10032s&bi=0&ird=1405

9:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

top tip.
remember which finger you had up his ass before you pick your nose.

4:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are truly a soppy old cunt of the highest calibre.Whomever you end up dating will always secretly hate you.Even if they appear as if they do like you,they don't. They hate you.This is because you are interminably annoying and doing nothing more than reinforcing the already existing stereotype of American women as superficial, shallow,whiney children with snot for brains. The suffragettes struggled so hard...for this shit?

6:02 AM  
Blogger Nims said...

Can you please say no dockers either. Worse than jeans. WAY worse.

6:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you kick ass! I like your blunt standpoint.

7:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey I love your page. You are absolutely right. And for all those people talking junk, are the very men you were criticizing and that’s why they got all offended. Remember the irreparable man? Person? That’s them! Keep doing it. Love it !

7:05 AM  

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