Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Today's Tip: Jewelry

Hey boyfriend. If you love your girl, you will buy her jewelry. Maybe you take her to the movies, though! Maybe you take her out to dinner, though! And, maybe you drive her around town in your car, though! Maybe you do her nice favors, like pick her up a thissy or a thatty at the store, though!

Well, those things are just dandy, Jack, but if you LOVE a girl; I mean, if you REALLY, REALLY LOVE a girl, you buy her a piece of jewelry. You don't have to buy her a WEDDING RING, you don't have to spend a thousand dollars at Tiffany's.

You can even MAKE her a piece of jewelry, if you're crafty enough to, though just about any idiot can make a piece of jewelry, you don't have to be a genius to figure it out. As a matter of fact, she'll probably appreciate it even more if you make it yourself, provided it's not totally ugly. You can make jewelry out of just about anything. Google how to make jewelry on line. Impress the girl, dammit!

You can give her a pin or an antique broach, even though it's not all the rage to give a girl a broach anymore, it's unique and strange, and says something to a girl, like, "I think you are unique and strange."

You can give her a piece of beaded jewelry or a hair barrette or a pair of earrings if you are too scared to give her a ring. Rings do symbolize something kind of intense and grand, and if you're reading this blog, you're probably not there yet.

Guys who really like their girlfriends get them gifts of LOVE. Gifts of love are not toasters, or yoga classes, or CDs or gift certificates, or cook ware. Gifts of LOVE are gifts that you give that say everything for you. Jewelry, something ornate, something delicious, something extravagant, something out of character from you, something that means you'll have to be alone to use it, something that involves packing a suitcase and leaving town together. Those are gifts of LOVE.

If you don't LOVE the girl you're dating, why bother?

Christmas is coming up, and if you're someone who plans to get your lady a corporate mall gift because you feel obligated and have no creativity, here's an idea, just stick your own penis in your own asshole instead. Get a gal a gift because you want to and because you like her, and make it something nice, because if you don't, she will ditch your ass for a sensitive guy with a pony tail.

That's today's tip. Read it and do it.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brooch. Not broach.

2:11 PM  
Anonymous uncle freddie said...

this would make more sense if you understood what exactly it is that makes diamond rings etc so appealing to women! Do you focus upon the material and think that your guy should too? Rethink this a bit.

1:29 PM  
Anonymous Joe said...

Broach is an acceptable variant, you bumbling usage cop.

1:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does this apply to girls who have girlfriends?

Or girlfriends who LOVE their boyfriends?

3:04 PM  
Blogger Never teh bride said...

Couldn't a gift of love be something like...oh, I don't when you're down? Support? A washing machine so you don't have to truck to the laundry? A Roth IRA? Nothing says love like giving your lady the gift of financial stability. Of course, dropping bling on something shiny but useless is great, too. I'd like a hunk of Buckminsterfullerene set into a pendant made out of solidified Chlorine gas!

3:16 PM  
Anonymous matt said...

You are obsessed with jewellery, though! You have no idea how English grammar works, though! My girlfriend is moaning at me because slagging you off is delaying me, though! I am going to spank her and cum on her face tonight because your column has made me feel like it, though!
By the way 'Joe', Broach is not an acceptable variant because acceptable variants do not exist in English. How many ways are there to spell each word we have? One. So if we vary from that one possible spelling we don't have a 'variant', we don't have 'an acceptable variant', we have a mistake. You and this blogger are knob jockeys. Knob is colloquial slang for penis and jockeys are people who ride, in your cases, penises.

4:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That should be number 1 on the "You Can Be A Better Girlfriend" list. Don't be such a materialistic chumpette. Jewelry is for lame girls.

4:32 PM  
Blogger Nik said...

You should rename this blog "stupid gender stereotypes that are stupid," and then offer helpful suggestions like:

When your girlfriend is utterly irrational and overly emotional, cater to her psychosis.


Men, women really dig it when you repair refrigerators. Women are helpless creatures, so when a man fixes something, they become sexually aroused.

In my experience, women want the same things men do. Respect, to be heard, to be loved, to be cared for, to be understood. Once you GET THAT, the whole concept of "What do women want?" and "What do men want?" can be chucked out the window.

Mars and Venus? I am a man from Venus. The stereotypes don't fit. Just be nice to each other. That's all.

6:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You suck.

7:05 PM  
Blogger factory_peasant said...

yeah, be a better guy by throwing down with the sparklies...

hey. nice job showing everyone how superficial and frivolous you are. thanks.

7:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, I always give my hoes cheap baubles in the early days. Makes 'em feel real special, right before you let them know they're going to have to start earning some money to put away for that big future we're planning.

But then there was never any question that I'm a good boyfriend. Ax any of the hoes in my stable.

10:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yes do any other pimps have advice on how much jewellery to give their ho at the start of her career. Being a new pimp i don't wanna fail in my first year like so many others and would appreciate some advice on overheads like jewellery.

3:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Girls that expect gifts are no better thn cheap whores. Get a job and buy the crap yourself.

6:26 AM  
Blogger Colonel Knowledge said...

"Brooch" and "Broach" are different words with different meanings.

Hope this helps.

7:10 AM  
Anonymous sheila said...

I don't even wear jewelry. I learned early that if you wear earrings, you'll never get cool toys again, everybody will just give you bits of shiny metal to dangle from your ears. Stupid! Give me books, gear, flowers, cds, experiences!

7:28 AM  
Blogger jocelyn said...

You really are very single, aren't you.

8:56 AM  
Blogger Obbop said...

Cheaper in the long run to just pay for a hooker instead of constantly bribing some princess wannabe'.

2:46 PM  
Blogger Obbop said...

""Brooch" and "Broach" are different words with different meanings.

Hope this helps."

If the female spewing in this blog is packing enough blubber to make her physically akin to a whale then broach may be the proper term here.

2:52 PM  
Anonymous Joe said...

Hey Colonel Sanders, find a bigger dictionary. You'll note that "broach" is indicated as a variant of "brooch." It has more than one definition, which some words do!

Hope this helps:

Note that definition "1" says "Brooch."

2:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If he can't buy her jewellery he should stick his dick up his ass?!

If he has a penis that long, who cares about jewellery?

6:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You shallow, materialistic fuckwit.

5:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ! That is painfully bad! You are a useless waste of carbon. Please don't try to pretend that you speak on behalf of all women. You're a stupid cunt and most of us are nothing like you.

8:10 AM  
Anonymous sparkella said...

shut UP! you guys are just being dicks because you KNOW you should've thought of that your damn selves. girls are BORN attracted to sparkly stuff! it has nothing to do with materialism. hold out a sparkly piece of tinsel and a check for $1000 to a 3-yr-old, and guess which one she'll want--the little piece of tinsel. i tried this with my niece and it's totally true, which is a good thing because that check was as rubber as your brain. we are hard-wired to appreciate shiny sparkly things. don't be such a hard-ass. it's not a difficult thing, and it's not materialistic, either. sparkly stuff gives us a pleasant feeling... THAT way we don't bug you as much while you watch fucking boring football. be smart. buy jewelry.

11:08 AM  
Blogger Obbop said...

I think I just wet myself

9:36 PM  
Anonymous rose said...

If you stop this stupid argument, check these beautiful sites about the related diamond topic:

3:07 AM  
Blogger Obbop said...

The elite's government FEARS you!!!!!!

Their fear is manifested in the laws they pass. Here is a law banning what MANY of the Founders wrote is a RIGHT of citizens when a government no longer represents them:

Section 2385. Advocating overthrow of Government

Whoever knowingly or willfully advocates, abets, advises, or
teaches the duty, necessity, desirability, or propriety of
overthrowing or destroying the government of the United States or
the government of any State, Territory, District or Possession
thereof, or the government of any political subdivision therein, by
force or violence, or by the assassination of any officer of any
such government; or
Whoever, with intent to cause the overthrow or destruction of any
such government, prints, publishes, edits, issues, circulates,
sells, distributes, or publicly displays any written or printed
matter advocating, advising, or teaching the duty, necessity,
desirability, or propriety of overthrowing or destroying any
government in the United States by force or violence, or attempts
to do so; or
Whoever organizes or helps or attempts to organize any society,
group, or assembly of persons who teach, advocate, or encourage the
overthrow or destruction of any such government by force or
violence; or becomes or is a member of, or affiliates with, any
such society, group, or assembly of persons, knowing the purposes
thereof -
Shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than
twenty years, or both, and shall be ineligible for employment by
the United States or any department or agency thereof, for the five
years next following his conviction.
If two or more persons conspire to commit any offense named in
this section, each shall be fined under this title or imprisoned
not more than twenty years, or both, and shall be ineligible for
employment by the United States or any department or agency
thereof, for the five years next following his conviction.
As used in this section, the terms ''organizes'' and
''organize'', with respect to any society, group, or assembly of
persons, include the recruiting of new members, the forming of new
units, and the regrouping or expansion of existing clubs, classes,
and other units of such society, group, or assembly of persons.

The federal government is allowing MILLIONS of illegals to invade our country. Corporate America is becoming increasingly more powerful and influential. Yet, according to the government of for and by the elites YOU, a citizen, have to accept whatever the government does with NO recourse other than voting...... and there is sufficient proof that shows to me voting is worthless since the entrenched power structure ensures that the emplaced elite class can not be removed.

Several Founders specifically wrote of the people's right to abolish a government when it no longer represents them.

We are forced to live under an elite's TYRANNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8:28 PM  
Blogger Obbop said...

Is GW Bush really as idiotic as he appears to be?

All he is is a frontman, a lackey for his elite class masters.

Surely the boy is not as actually buffonish as he appears, right?

Gosh, his folks must be so embarrased to have spawned him.

8:35 AM  
Blogger Jackie said...

My bf of 3 mths just bought me a lavender (my fav color) crystal bracelet from China. Does that me he REALLY likes me? =)

1:32 AM  
Blogger KES said...

Amazingly said. Thanks for waking up all the stupid men!!

10:45 PM  

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