Saturday, December 17, 2005

A Holiday Tip: Don't forget to get your lady a god damn GIFT!

I know many people out there disagree with the sentiments of the new, over corporatized Christmas. I don't think that we should be breaking the bank to buy eachother expensive and fancy gifts in an attempt to show someone we "care", especially when we really don't.

But if you are one of those guys who "doesn't believe in Christmas" or is a "Jehovah's Witness" or who's "mother died on Christmas" or whatever other lie or excuse you have come up with to not have to get your lady a gift, just do everyone a favor and dump your little lady lamb a week prior to Christ's special day.

This being said, I do not encourage you to "spend two month's salary" on a gift. I do not encourage you to go to the mall at 5 am and spend the day searching for that special surprise. A girl will tell you what she wants for Christmas without you having to ASK. All you have to do is LISTEN. I know it's a crazy concept for most men, but GIVE IT A WHIRL! It's not as difficult as you think.

$20 or less is a perfectly appropriate amount to spend on a lady. You can even MAKE her something for very cheap...if you can muster time away from your video game console or stack of Playboys. One of the best gifts I ever got was from a boyfriend who BUILT me a DESK from SCRATCH. I still have that desk to this day. I should have kept the guy who went with it...

Here are some suggestions, be you a daft (and poor) monkey of a man:

* A bouquet of flowers and a simple piece of jewelry, such as a barette or a pin
* A delicious treat, whatever her favorite one is, a card and a good book
* A soft, cozy towel and some nice soap, in a pretty basket
* A hand-made just about ANYTHING
* A weekend away together somewhere
* Yummy smelling lotion, a bath candle and a card

Presentation is important. Put it in a stocking, a basket, a cup, some kind of pretty container. Tie a ribbon around it. That's about all there is to it.

Here's a home made gift that anyone can make:

Get a pretty cobalt blue jar shaped like a Noxema jar or something similar (you can get one at an art store or what have you for $3 or $4 bucks) - glass is preferrable, but plastic is okay. Fill it 3/4 of the way with olive oil. Fill it 1/4 of the way with sugar. Mix it up. Put the lid on it and tie a white ribbon around the top.
Voila! Home-made foot scrub. Sounds weird, but I bet you your lady will be surprised and delighted! To top it all off, make her a beautiful home-made card and take her to the movies.

You can do things like this once a week! It doesn't just have to be a Christmas thing.

It's not that hard to not be a total dick wad! It's actually pretty easy to do nice, simple things for people you care about. Try it today!

Friday, December 16, 2005


If you want to be a good boyfriend, don't be ugly. Girls like guys who are hot. If your face is busted, do whatever you can to overcompensate. Work out. If you can't afford to have a gym membership, ride a bike around. Stop shoving donuts into your gap. And just try one time not to eat a whole entire block of cheese in one sitting.

If you're ugly, make sure you have a great personality to make your ugliness shine, like the way MASK did in that movie, MASK. As many readers of this blog have surely learned from many ruined relationships due to their assholery, an ugly personality is even worse than an ugly face. I've dated several 6s or 7s whose personalities jacked them up to 9s and 10s.

If you're ugly and your personality stinks, the least you can do is buy your girl lots of nice stuff. It won't last long, but you can float from two month relationship to two month relationship until you get too old for your sperm to care what you do anymore.

I would say something stupid like, "Just be yourself!" but no one wants to date an ugly, bad personality having creep. NO ONE. Not even your mother. But if your mother will date you, I'd say go for it, because otherwise you'll have to resort to dating girls who are too young and stupid to know any better. That might be fun for awhile, but eventually they will grow up and realize that you're a waste, and possibly, hopefully, kill you in your sleep. And your mother probably wouldn't do that, if only out of loyalty.

If there's anything that could be considered motivation to being a better boyfriend, let that be it - if you piss off the wrong broad, she could slice your throat while you dream of vaginas and rainbows. Anyone remember a lady named Lorena Bobbitt? That man is lucky to have his throat intact.

Until next time, try to forgive your parents and bake a cake for the poor or something.

And never forget you are ugly if you are! It will keep you humble, and girls dig humility and shit.

Thursday, December 15, 2005


In writing this silly little blog, I've learned something important. It appears that there are a lot more shitty dudes on the planet than I ever could have known. Alas, this news has become clear to me in the time of our lord's happiest celebratory hour, in this festive, non-denominational season.

It seems that I've overlooked a very important piece of dating advice, and that is this: Some men are absolutely unrepairable.

Some people don't want to be fixed, can't be fixed, won't look inside of themselves and only want to point fingers, yell (sometimes in all caps) and otherwise behave like buffoons, in person and/or on the internet. Who knows why this is? Perhaps it is because they were drop-kicked in the teeth too many times or not enough times by their drunken fathers at a young age. Perhaps their mommies didn't give them enough hugs, money, blow jobs or whatever the hell else they surely demanded from their mothers, or perhaps she gave too much. Some people don't appreciate love. I'm sure it's hard to guess what the recipe for disaster will be when parenting, until it's too late.

In the case that you are an unrepairable loser, the best thing you, as a loser of a man can do for your girlfriend and for your society, is to drink a full bottle of whiskey, get into your jalopy of a car and drive it off a cliff.

I'm sorry to have to put it so bluntly, but you, sir, have no reason to live, much less muck up some perfectly healthy, pleasant young woman's life - one who could certainly do much better than you crap heap of a shit log of a boyfriend.

Until next time, this has been a tip on how to be a better boyfriend. If you truly love your girlfriend, please follow this advice and your girlfriend will live a long, happy, healthy life!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Don't Play Childish Games

There's some lame line in the dumb ass bible that basically says, "When I was a child, I did childish things, and when I became an adult, I put childish things aside." I don't even know the exact line, nor do I care, because I think the bible is mostly a lot of boring begats this and thou thats. But what appeals to me about this specific example is the sentiment that lies within.

In case you are daft, what it means is that adults behave like adults. Children behave like children.

Games are for kids.

You know when you are playing a game. It's when your inner voice is speaking in a whiney tone. "Well, if she won't blerpitty bleep, then I won't werpitty weep." Chances are, if she won't blerpitty bleep, and there's not a good reason why she won't, she's playing a game herself. But if you respond by werpitty weeping, you sir, are playing it, too.

I am so sick and tired of being involved in relationships where I have to constantly be on guard. I want to let my guard down. I like to be who I really am. And who doesn't? Games prevent people from being real. Games are fancy dresses for people who are too insecure to wear regular, sensible pants.

If you find yourself unable to NOT do the back and forth tit for tat routine, that means one or both of you are unable to honestly communicate.

At a certain point in a relationship, if you plan to progress, the two of you will have to look each other in the eyes and say what you mean and mean what you say. And the outcome will be peace and cozy warmth that comes from being in the closest thing that we as humans can muster to true love.

If you don't plan to progress, then at least play a fun game together, like Candy Land or - here's a good one - Get Out Of My House, You're Wasting My Time.

Til next time, remember - if George Bush was in love, there wouldn't be a war.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Good Boyfriends Are Cute At Least Some of the Time!

Here's a tip that seems like it's out of your control, but it really is not. Good boyfriends should be cute, at least some of the time. Maybe you're a mountain man and spend your days carrying dead rabbits around in bunches over your shoulder as you guzzle whiskey out of a thermos. (Not as sexy as it sounds, gentlemen!) Maybe you've got, as Stuckey & Murray put it, "One foot in the closet and the other on a banana peel."

Either way, it is, as a good boyfriend, your responsibility to be cute, at least some of the time. If you're a rugged lumber jack, you can be cute in between de-treeing the planet. And if you're already cute most of the time, even it out with a little ruggedness.

I guess the major moral of this tip is balance.

But it's mostly about being cute.

How does one define cute? Some say it is a physical quality. Others say it is mental, or behavioral. One person posted on my other blog today, "Wow, you are ugly!" But this doesn't hurt me, because I know it simply is not true. Even if the person actually thought my face was physically unattractive (which it is not, at least not to some), I am cute, and here are some ways how:

1. I make things for people. Cards on Christmas, gifts on birthdays, blowjobs.
2. I wear bows and frills. Not all the time, not in excess. Sometimes and with care.
3. I cook meals for people who I like. I'm not even a great cook, but I try.
4. I say things that I feel like saying, even if they are strange. Sometimes they comes out sounding cute.

Boys, if you do those four things listed above to the women you date, you will be a better boyfriend. If you are already doing those things, then keep this in mind: Sports are boring and you aren't fooling anyone.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Tip #731: Don't Go To Sleep In A Fight

With every boyfriend I've ever had except for one, I've adhered to this rule. It makes the sleep crusty. It's like going to bed on a stomach so full of junk food and alcohol, you are bound to wake in the night with cramps, night sweats and reeking of old socks.

If the two of you are so unhappy with eachother that you can't even make up before you go to sleep, what's the point of dating at all? Do you think it's going to magically get better one day?

Anger is negative energy, wrapped around you like a meany burrito.

Going to sleep in a fight just makes the world a sadder place for everyone.