Friday, December 09, 2005

Good Boyfriends Are Cute At Least Some of the Time!

Here's a tip that seems like it's out of your control, but it really is not. Good boyfriends should be cute, at least some of the time. Maybe you're a mountain man and spend your days carrying dead rabbits around in bunches over your shoulder as you guzzle whiskey out of a thermos. (Not as sexy as it sounds, gentlemen!) Maybe you've got, as Stuckey & Murray put it, "One foot in the closet and the other on a banana peel."

Either way, it is, as a good boyfriend, your responsibility to be cute, at least some of the time. If you're a rugged lumber jack, you can be cute in between de-treeing the planet. And if you're already cute most of the time, even it out with a little ruggedness.

I guess the major moral of this tip is balance.

But it's mostly about being cute.

How does one define cute? Some say it is a physical quality. Others say it is mental, or behavioral. One person posted on my other blog today, "Wow, you are ugly!" But this doesn't hurt me, because I know it simply is not true. Even if the person actually thought my face was physically unattractive (which it is not, at least not to some), I am cute, and here are some ways how:

1. I make things for people. Cards on Christmas, gifts on birthdays, blowjobs.
2. I wear bows and frills. Not all the time, not in excess. Sometimes and with care.
3. I cook meals for people who I like. I'm not even a great cook, but I try.
4. I say things that I feel like saying, even if they are strange. Sometimes they comes out sounding cute.

Boys, if you do those four things listed above to the women you date, you will be a better boyfriend. If you are already doing those things, then keep this in mind: Sports are boring and you aren't fooling anyone.

88 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

PUT DOWN THE HORSE MASK AND BACK AWAY.....

You are NOT Sarah Jessica Parker.

9:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Overanalysis affliction very obvious.

10:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fuck me, that is the biggest load of horseshite I have ever had the dubious displeasure to read.

Stop being a cunt.

It's not 'cute'; it's not 'twee'; it's just being a cunt.

10:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am trying to think of anything less cute than a lumberjack in bows and frills.....

Frank Butcher, naked, with a spinning bow tie perhaps.

Or Sonia doing the saffik.

10:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what a load of old bollocks.

10:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You say you ignore people saying you are ugly because you know you're not. So why do you hide your picture? Is it because you are so hideously deformed that you would curdle milk at 50 paces? Do you resemble a Bulldog licking piss off a nettle? Or do your friends compare you to pbuses as they pass?

10:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You is daft bitch.

10:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh...our american cousins! so amusing, and yet also thick as pigshit.

10:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

YOU ARE A TEDIOUS FUCKING CUNT!!!

10:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sam are you reading this you cunt?!?

10:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

BLOGS ARE GAY!

10:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

American woman..........fuck off and die.

10:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you think you live in a "Friends" or "SATC" style sitcom, where you do the voiceovers?

Maybe, just maybe, you don't have a boyfriend because you're a moany stupid fucking cunt??

You Can Be A Better Bitch! (Just stop the shite).

10:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you know what I think love?


I THINK YOU SHOULD DO THE WORLD A FAVOUR, DRINK THAT BOTTLE OF GIN, GET THE WARM TAP RUNNING, LIE DOWN IN YOUR BATH AND GENTLY RUN A KNIFE ACROSS YOUR WRISTS.

10:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

^

NO!


She should make it look like an accident...

Maybe a tumble down some very long, cold, hard, stone stairs??

11:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Jen,

Have you ever even *had* a boyfriend?

C'mon, admit it, you're a big lezzer but just in denial!

YOU CUNT

11:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sam Reading this are you cunt??

11:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmmmmm.........Yes.........an accident.....you're right!

Don't want to draw too much attention to my lifes mission of ridding the world of whiney, no life, spinster american women.

I need them to keep posting.....that way I can track them down......

11:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmmm do sympathise the new england earnestness (ed?) but london is as london does

oh no its dawn

11:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

soho especially

11:50 AM  
Anonymous Dubya said...

By the looks of all the crooked teeth, it appears that popbitch has arrived. May I offer you a scone? And some orthodenture?

12:08 PM  
Blogger Mack said...

Wait... so if I do those four things I will be a better boyfriend? Including the "wear bows and frills" one? I mean, the other three make sense... but why should I wear bows and frills? Also, why do all those anonymous British people hate you?

12:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=index03

1:35 PM  
Blogger Obbop said...

After two tours overseas and viewing other cultures I learned that American females are spoiled rotten, self-centered, and view their affairs with males with themselves as a princess worthy of adoration.

Bwa hah hah hah hah!!!!!!!!!!

Wanna' decent woman? Get one who was NOT raised in the USA. Most (not every last one, though) is worthless.

Leave American women to their fantasies.

2:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your sister abby looks like a guy, though! Your inability to use gramatically correct English in your blog sucks, though! I'm going to kill the moron who posted this site on a forum, though! By the way, what the hell is up with the "though"? Go to school and learn English instead of singing crappy music.

2:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where'd all the limey fruits come from? I mean, "favour," "bollocks," ... "gin," what are so many spotted-dick enthusiasts, so many gentelemen of Yesterday's Empire, doing around here? Shouldn't you all be busy with denying your steadily diminishing status in the world?

2:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

AMERICAN PENIS ENVY SHOCKA!

3:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ugly? You're gorgeous!

10:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I couldn't even be bothered to read past the 'bows and frills' comment.

What a pile of ridiculous shite. You're not going to be on television or write in a magazine. You stupid, stupid woman.

Now, you need to shut this blog down and get a real life.

4:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Sun never sets on the British empire!

Hey, silly Yanks, did you know that the Queen still runs your country? Shh...it's a secret.

12:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

An anagram of "Jessica Delfino" is "Stupid Fucking Old Cunt".

FACT!

PS - Fuck off you cunt.

1:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

God, you talk shit - you whiny Yank bitch...now make my dinner and suck my fucking cock.

The only good thing about yank bitches is that they deephtroat...stops them talking too.

3:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, you stupid cunt, have you fallen down those stairs yet???

9:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have always had trouble trying to loose weight, can't seem to stop eatting biscuts and cakes. I never say no to strawberry and cream. I even see chocolate and sweets in my dream.

10:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my god, I have never read so much vitriol on a blog before. jess, are these your friends who are actually joking or is it just a fact that some people don't like being told that some of their personality traits don't impress?

11:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're a fucking awful writer and a patronising cunt.

At least buy an OED, idiot.

12:49 AM  
Anonymous jas said...

an amazing blog! hilarious and well written.

interesting too that it rallies the mysogynists...

2:30 AM  
Blogger Alvin said...

You have a funny blog. Do keep writing. Ignore these anonymous idiots.

3:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey! I'm not a mysogynist; some of my best pets are women.....

4:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I say things that I feel like saying, even if they are strange.

Me too! Only when I told my last girlfriend I would like to kill her and wear her skin she stopped seeing me.

Confused of London

4:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's nothing to do with misogyny, and everything to do with her dated, unrealistic, pointlessly twee and narrow-minded views.

Televisual effluent like SATC has a lot to answer for. The world does not revolve around you and your quest to fulfil your little-girl fantasies of having ultimate control over another person.

You cunt.

4:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We tell you that you're a self centred idiot whose preening princess fantasies bear no relation to the real world, and you mock our teeth? Woah there Oscar Wilde.

Now cook my breakfast.

5:01 AM  
Blogger The Hooded Jester said...

Share your scintillating suggestions with the world in the knowledge that nobody gives two shits about your insight. Oh, and once you actually GET a boyfriend - get a job.

5:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fuck me, its like 9/11 never happened.

5:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You work shy soap dodging whiney annoying bint from the plant Septic! Is it any wonder you can't find a boyfriend. You are neither funny, original of Candice Bushell. In the words of the poet - fuck off you tedious cunt! No one cares you can't get a shag, no one cares your muff is infested with lice, no one cares you stink like a cross between cats piss and old people.

5:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow! All I can say is this is one of the most moving blogs I've ever visited. You go girl!

I keeeeeeeeed!

I wish I could add something original to this discussion, but I think it's already been said. You're a terrible writer and your loneliness is probably the main factor in your creation of this mediocre website. Still, please keep it online so the public might continue to pelt you with virtual tomatoes and urinate in your virtual eyes.

You'd fit in beautifully at the Evening Standard. Cunt.

5:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where is Omarion when you need him?

Love
popbitch

5:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You may have thought all the previous boyfriends weren't up to snuff, but I can tell you that your sister, daughter, mother, grandmother and cat loved every inch of their throbbing cocks up every single tight, loose and undefined hole they posessed.

6:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

... Oh, and brother and son.

6:02 AM  
Anonymous dirty terry said...

ooh, aren't we cute with our little bows and our mixed up cute ways of saying things like efelants and donimoes. Do you serioulsy think anyone cares? Do you? 'You can be a better boyfriend!' I mean,c'mon to fuck. The only way to be a better boyfriend to you would be to smother your horsey faced self in your sleep (obviously only after we had made up from arguing) so that no other man would have the misfortune of ever going out with you in the first place.


nggg

thraapp

zzz

6:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

good god, I wondered why I was so popular with the boys in New York when I visit, now I understand ENTIRELY. You whiney old tart, I bet you make any boy you pull floss before you kiss him and he has to pay for EVERYTHING

6:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's a lack of balance here. I mean, yo, she has a whole other blog ripe for desecration and SO little has been done there as yet...

6:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you really got nothing better to think about?

6:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OH NO!1!!1!

It's been five minutes since you moaned about something new.

Does that mean you've finally decided to go and get a life, YOU FUCKING CUNT?!?

6:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your blog is the literary equivalent of a face that's crying out for a slap.

You must be a cunt in real life.

6:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I pity the man that settles for you. His life will be absolute hell.

6:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

MINKY IS THIS WHY YOU LEFT US??1!11!!!1

6:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i didnt believe them when they told me about this blog.

how stupid of me.

cunt

i bet you have never had a boyfriend, apart from that boy from the day centre that chases you trying to kiss you, much to both your parents embarressment

6:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stop being such a moaning old cunt and you may find a boyfriend.

You stupid fucking cunt.

7:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

there was a young girl called jessy,
apologies for being rather blunt.
things got a little bit messy,
after taking a pickaxe to her...

...jesus, is that the time??

MUST DASH!

8:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Brits have a word(s) for you: STUPID FUCKING SLAG CUNT WHORE NO LIFE BITCH.

8:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Anonymous ^^^^^^^^^

How are you, btw?

Yes there's other blogs we could slag off - but the other one requires registration. I think she's starting to cotton on. :(

Oh...but there's an email address...

9:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You poor deluded old sow. Hurry up and die

12:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think that threatening to take an axe to the cunt of a woman who is making some fairly inoffensive comments about her preferences in relationships reveals far, far more about the people who read this blog than the person who wrote it.

1:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And also explains why Popbitch has become a tedious tuppeny happenny concern, because all the people who have any wit or gossip have fucked off to Holy Moly

1:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well that post makes more sense than your horseshit blog.

2:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you are a suitable candidate for buggery.

2:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Anon ^^^^

Yes, all the smart people have gone to HM - but the problem with them is that they're money-grabbing cunts. It would almost be like having a 2nd job if you joined that little group - so what's the point?

PBs relaxed attitude is its boon, as well as its flaw. But when people have paid money to access a site, what can PB do? It's a hopeless situation, IMO. Delete the retards and they'll complain and ask for refunds...

Oh, and that mammoth post ^^^ is going too far...

6:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, but I always wanted to know more about the structure of interlayer water in vermiculite and now, thanks to this blog, I know there are articles written on this fascinating topic. Admittedly, this informational boon had little to do with the author (who remains a c**t), but still.

Oops, typo. CUNT. I don't know how those asterisks got in there. I'll try again. CUNT. Good, it's working again.

4:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For Someone way up there ^^^^^^^^
Re: PB & Holy Moly

I have been a lurker on PB for about 5 years. Never joined as I don't have much P or B to report (except for maybe a couple of Richard Whitely stories but I digress) What I want to say is that I am really enjoying PB at the minute. It's got a damn sight better since that Manky Minky Bint has fucked off. Reading all those Manc posts that'd been gleaned from rumours when the 'Father of Child' sold Bootleg T-shirts and Posters outside the Academy made my eyes roll that much any one walking in would have been forgiven for thinking I was Stevie Wonder.

Oh and just because I can :

FUCK OFF YOU TEDIOUS CUNT!

*beams*

8:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

TEDIOUS CUNT .............. anyone?

10:01 AM  
Anonymous heather said...

tedious comments.

how many books and articles are out there, how to be a hotter more pleasing woman, cosmpolitan, glamour, the rules, how to get married before its too late, etc.??

one woman comes up with a comedy blog in response and her life gets threatened, her worth challenged, and bland stabs at name calling are cheered on by anonymous losers?

2:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh OK, I'll take one.

I'm not picky.

A Cunts a Cunt in my book.

3:10 PM  
Blogger Jessica Delfino said...

Anonymous commenters are cowards. Is cunt the only insult you have in London? By the way, shit is spelled S-H-I-T. Not S-H-I-T-E. I'm sure you anonymous weenies are single and very sad, wishing you could have a pretty, sensitive lady, such as myself. But understand this: WE WILL NEVER, EVER FUCK!!! NEVER!!!! Never EVER!!! So, get on with your lives, then. And start your own damn blog if you don't like mine. Maybe I've inspired you to DO SOMETHING with your life!

5:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes but 'SHITE' is spelt S-H-I-T-E not S-H-I-T. OK?

1:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

well i'v got to hand it to you, you know how to spell shite!!!

2:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And "pretty, sensitive lady" is spelled H-O-R-S-E-F-A-C-E-D, P-A-T-R-O-N-I-S-I-N-G C-U-N-T.

6:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Spelt" is a grain, you limey buttnut.

11:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello anonymous ^^^^^^^^^

Re: Holy Moly & Popbitch

You've lurked there for *five years*? That's got to be some kind of lurking record!

You should definitley start posting or something. You may also have noticed that not everyone there exactly has P or B - such is the current state of the place. It's now become the personal chat room for mongs everywhere.

This is why all the good people have left popbitch, and why Holy Moly is now king.

PS - This is hilarious that this cunt's comments box has become an out of hours PB discussion board!!

At least it's actually useful, now!

JENNIFER YOU ARE A CUNT!

1:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ricky Gervais now boring?

http://podcast.rickygervais.com/tx_episode2.mp3

3:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For ^^^^^^^

PB & HM

Join PB? Nahh Mate, I'm too busy posting on HM innit ;)

3:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, I really think all these horrible comments are here purely because these men are afraid to accept something we've been trying to tell them for years - they suck. And they just can't seem to do anything about it. And when helpful advice is sitting right under their noses they choose to push it away, for fear of realising the awful truth...

1:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

^^^^

The awful truth that you've squandered suffrage in the name of cuteness?

6:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I tried to follow your advice, but it just didn't make me cute.

1. My date wasn't impressed with my blowjob ability.
2. I only wore one bow - I figured it was a good idea not to go overboard. Again, she was not impressed.
3. This did not go over well when we had microwavable soup.
4. Discussing #1 was strange but was anything but cute.

Thanks for the advice tho!

6:53 PM  
Anonymous Thia said...

To think, I almost felt sorry for our dear Jess...

It seemed she was being unfairly attacked for her views. You know, 'Freedom of Speech' and all that.

I thought 'Why do people with such obvious dislike for her continue to read and comment on her blog?'

Then it occured to me. This blog is so terrible that it actually encourages a certain degree of commitment. Flamers return 'cause the lovely Jess always manages to take her 'patheticness' to higher level.

*applauds* Well done Jess. Well done.

For the record, 'Cunt' is not the only insult we Brits can use. Its just better for you if we stick to something you're already so familiar with. Wouldn't want that precious mind of yours to fizzle out now would we? ^^

7:16 AM  
Blogger Jessica Delfino said...

You anonymous brits are crizazy!

1:34 PM  
Blogger Queenc911 said...

HAHA! This is the funniest thing I have seen all day! Fuck the brits. IRISH RULE! You are awesome Jess, keep it up cutie;)

1:02 PM  

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