Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Here's something a good boyfriend does NOT do:

A good boyfriend does not say "rrf!" or "a-doi!" after his girlfriend says something that he already knows. Boyfriends who look 38 but try to act as if they look 37 are just depressed that they are finally actually old. You made it! Jerk!

A good boyfriend, actually, finally "matures", like a fine wine or jar of peanut butter. So, think about that one for a minute, and then consider other possible answers to questions you already knew the answers to, such as:

- (cheerily) Yes, I know!
- (serious) Thank you for telling me, I did not know that!
- (retort) Witty comeback (must be actually funny)
- (nod)
- Take her to dinner and tell her how beautiful her eyes are.
- Make passionate love to her right there, that instant, and then feed her chocolate until you fall asleep, wake up around 11 pm to lock the door and turn off the tv.

That's today's tip.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Hey there! You! You CAN be a better boyfriend, starting TODAY! Here's a quick tip:

When someone does something shitty to your girlfriend, don't take the other person's side and then back it up with lame rhetoric, like, "The world is a hard place. Shitty things happen. You need to be ready for shitty things to happen."

You don't have to be a blaze cock to your girlfriend.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

TODAY'S TIP: Don't touch girls who aren't your girlfriend!

A handshake, a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a pat on the pack...these are all familiar forms of physical interaction that we share on a daily basis, whether we are lovers, business partners, friends or sometimes even enemies.

However, you should know where to draw the line between general friendly physical interaction and a touch that has a sexual overtone. This may sound "crazy" as boys like to often call girls, and vice versa, but it's something to keep in mind.

For example: I have a very attractive male friend who loves to touch me a lot in front of his ex-girlfriend. He will try to give me a big bearhug, or touch or rub my shoulder with a salad of subtext, ranging from a straight out, "I'd fuck you" to "My ex hates it when I do this." I know what his game is, whether he does or not, and when he tries to affectionately manhandle me in front of his ex, I say very frankly, "Don't touch me."

This has happened twice and I don't think it will happen again.

I don't want to be responsible for aloofly interacting with his insecurity or for hurting my friend's feelings, as I know it must. Even if I didn't think it hurt my friend's feelings, I know that human beings are full of shit 90% of the time, and when they act as if they are doing one thing, they are actually doing something else.

In closing, don't touch women sensually who are not your girlfriends, either in front of them or behind their backs, unless you agree it is something you can both do, and your relationship has an open "touch" policy.

Monday, August 15, 2005


When you and your girlfriend are supposed to meet at a party, be sure to greet her upon entering the room. If you don't see her right away, you can greet friends first, etc., but make sure at some point you meet up with her and say hello.

If there are females at the party who you've professed your love and admiration over in detail to your girlfriend, it's a good idea to keep any chat sessions you have with them brief. Just admire them from afar, instead.

When going to a party, a nice, reasonable amount of time to stay for is 3 hours, unless the situation calls for you to stay longer. If you end up staying for 8 hours, try to spend some of that time talking to your girlfriend.

If you're talking forever and ever with a girl who you've told your girlfriend "she should separate you from if she ever sees you talking to her", don't be surprised if your girlfriend comes over to make her presence known. And when she does, give her some attention. She obviously wants it.

The bottom line is, your girlfriend, and really anyone, wants to and deserves to be loved. So don't hold out on her. Love her, you fucking selfish anus. And if you don't love her, just tell her, so she can put time into finding someone who does.

Saturday, August 13, 2005


When sending out mass e-mails to hundreds of friends, fans and strangers, it's a good idea to not write defamatory statements about your girlfriend in these emails. Even if you think they are true and you want to tell the whole world or embarrass your girlfriend in some way, it's not a good idea to do that. Even if you are a lover of truth and honesty, if you want to continue dating the girl, it is not a good idea to do that. Even if you are in a band together and think it'd be a funny joke, it just makes you look like a jerk.

If you are trying to ruin your relationship, start a fight, upset your girlfriend, break up with your girlfriend, hurt or ruin her reputation somehow, or make yourself look like a complete asshole in front of your mass mailing list, then you should definitely send out mass e-mails smearing your girlfriend to her friends and fans. And you are probably reading the wrong blog - you probably mean to read "How To Be A Shittier Boyfriend" which you've apparently been reading.

But if you want to have a healthy, caring, intimiate relationship with someone who you love more than anyone else and consider to be someone who you want to protect and care for, then you will take this advice.

This is a summer tip -

Get a large, spacious home and make sure it is ice cold.

If you are too poor too afford to get a large, spacious home and keep it ice cold, you shouldn't be dating. You should be working to make some money so that you can afford to someday date.

This tip will improve your relationship with everyone. It will even benefit you -
women are saggier in the stifling heat.

If you are going to selfishly date anyway, even though you can't afford to have a large, spacious home without air conditioning, then at least have a small home free of clutter and implement a THREE FAN cooling system. A two fan cooling system is okay for you, but not for you and a babe. It's not even good enough for you and a prostitute. It's barely even good enough for you and a pet.

So if you want to be a better boyfriend, implement climate control!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

You can be a better boyfriend! It doesn't take too much effort. Just try not to be so fucking selfish, you fucking asshole. I know, your mom cooked a lot of food for you, or your dad beat you with a belt, or whatever. But you don't have to be so fucking insensitive to every female around you.

Now that I got that off my chest, I mean my tits, allow me to clarify.

You can be a better boyfriend! It just takes a little bit of effort. It's not only your responsibility. You could be trying to impress the wrong woman. How do you know if it's the wrong woman? Well...she's not impressed.

You might also find most of my advice can be used to benefit most relationships, not just dating relationships. This is ettiquette. Use it or don't, but if you don't, people will probably think you're just a jerk, and your life will be shittier than it has to be.

TODAY'S TIP: When you are supposed to meet a girl somewhere, you should arrive on time. It's okay to be exactly on time, or within five minutes of agreed meeting time, but just show up on time. This is good advice for when you are supposed to meet any person; be they guy, girl, shim, or whatever.

But even more important -- when you enter the room you are supposed to meet them in, look for them. Make eye contact with them. Wave, connect. Perhaps you're in a hurry to take a quick piss -- give them a hi hand signal, point to your crotch, and then give them the international one minute signal, which is any finger in the up direction. (The middle finger indicates first and foremost "fuck you" and THEN "one minute!") Do NOT walk in like you are cock of the walk and in some kind of important person hurry, or like you are making sure to avoid connecting because you are trying to portray an image of superiority and grandiosity. That is gay, and no one cares about you or your feigned importance. It doesn't matter if you are the guy with every key to every door in the place on your keyring.

Finally, be sure to eventually make a physical connection with that person. Give them a high five, a kiss on the cheek, a pat on the shoulder or back, a hand shake, a hug, an intense stare into the eyeballs...whatever it may it and mean it.

Until next time,'s not that hard to not be a cock!