Friday, September 23, 2005

Hey, you! Yes, you! You can be a better boyfriend.


Well, it's easy! Get a job!

It doesn't matter what job it is, really. As long as you can do it and you are somewhat content there for the hours you have to be there for. Whatever it is, get there and show up regularly, and on time. Keep going back. Collect paycheck. Be sure to then cash paycheck. Use money to take care of life expenses, save the rest. Don't spend it on fancy music playing devices, or magnets from Urban Outfitters.

About once a week, take anywhere from $10 to $100, depending on the job you got, and spend it on you and your girlfriend doing something together. If you're poor, buy a nice bag of sour green apples, the big juicy ones, and take her to the scenic overlook in the midst of the Williamsburg Bridge to eat them. If you're rich, take her to Supper on Ave. A and 2nd and treat her to a fancy feast.

Do this for about two years. If you still like her, ask her to marry you.

Nice work!

Friday, September 16, 2005

QUICK TIP: Don't tell your girlfriend what she can and can't read. Even if it's a self-help book.

You aren't 'really' anyone's 'daddy', that's just a term you appreciate because it helps to explain your dick problems. No one gets up in your craw when you masturbate to Playgirl. So, try to have the same respect for your ladyfriend.

Until next time, remember - jerks are a dime for seventeen dozens, and sometimes even cheaper than that.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Hey, sir! You can be a better boyfriend! Here's how.

Today's Tip: No one likes to babysit a drunk.

No one wants to hang out with someone who who got drunk, turned obnoxious, and then got sick or hurt. And they definitely don't want to hang out with someone who who got drunk, turned obnoxious, and then got sick or hurt twice.

The next time you are taking your lady out with a plan to drink, follow these easy rules if you want to not be a dumb jerk.

Rule #1: Don't drink too much. I'm not going to tell you
the number of drinks that equals too many, because it's different for everyone. A very good starting tip: Don't drink on an empty stomach.

Rule #2: If you accidentally get too drunk, STOP DRINKING IMMEDIATELY. You know that feeling you get where you're like, ahhhh! I'm so drunk! Everything is spinning! Holy shit, this is fucking awesome! Oh, no, I think I'm gonna barf! And now I think I just peed. Try to start setting a precedent in your head now that THOSE KINDS OF THOUGHTS = YOU ARE DRUNK.

Set down that watered down glass of Jack, Jack. Tell your date you are too drunk. The best thing to do is ask her to take you home, or get yourself home. She might even nurse you back to health - with her vagina!

Rule #3: If you are a belligerent drunk, DON'T DO THAT. It's going to be hard to get someone else to play Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir" for you while you puke. And it really helps take the edge off a hardcore hurl if you're getting the Led out along with the excess booze. So, APOLOGIZE for being rude to your ladyfriend (we'll already assume you've probably done or said a half dozen things that have been just plain wrong) and nicely ask her to crank up the Zep for you while you hurl. Provided, she stuck around that long.
If she did, you might consider becoming a better boyfriend because it's not easy to find a nice girl who will hang while you hurl.

Rule #4: When you wake up the next day with a huge headache, blurry vision and vomit in your hair, make up for ruining that night out by taking her on a different date (if she'll let you) and maybe just have ONE DRINK ONLY that night, if any drinks at all.

If you get your courage from a bottle, you don't need a girlfriend, you need a psychotherapist and some fucking balls. Don't be a pussy. That's a tip for next time.

Until next time, remember, being a better boyfriend can keep your hair free of green chunks.

Monday, September 12, 2005

TODAY'S TIP: Get a job or have a hobby.

If you aren't working full-time at Dwayne Reade or Saks Fifth Avenue, it's not a big deal, but you should have a regular steady income. Perhaps you are an actor and you have an excuse not to have a "real" job, such as during the day you go to auditions or at night you perform in showcases. If being an actor is what you want to do, you should treat it like your job, even if it's only a part-time job. You should spend at least 4 hours or more a day, focusing on your goal. That means looking for auditions, auditioning, sending out head-shots, or whatever crap actors do when they want to become actors. But if you want to take the easy route, just get a damn job - preferrably a high-paying one.

Ideally, both you and your girlfriend should have jobs. But if neither of you do, you and your girlfriend will be spending too much time together and will start to hate eachother. You and her both need time away from eachother so that you can miss eachother. Not too much time away from eachother mind you - just a few hours apart is all it should take for you to miss eachother if you are truly in love.

Super ideally, you should be making all the money and your girlfriend should be cooking you home-made meals, fluffing up the pillows and sucking your dick on a regular basis, when she isn't reading her favorite writer's new novel in a chair in the sun with a pretty hat on, painting her toe nails a delightful shade of sparkling pink on the deck overlooking the beach in your back yard, or hosting a ladies tea and luncheon on the roof patio garden. Tip: You don't need to be rich to have things like "gardens" and "decks". These aren't necessarily out of your reach, especially if you happen to be resourceful and/or handy.

But the goal of this site is to just try to get all you thoughtless assholes out there (and you know who you are) to be "better" boyfriends, not the best ones in the world, though if you shoot for "the best", you might land somewhere within the range of "acceptable". Which is almost unacceptable.

You can be a better boyfriend, but it, like anything in life worth being, requires work. Until next time, clip your finger nails, make sure there's no dirt underneath them. And call your mom, you thoughtless asshole. Do you know she squeezed you OUT OF HER VAGINA?

Sunday, September 11, 2005


Today, a question from a man with a plan to be a better boyfriend. Please don't be afraid to e-mail any and all better boyfriend questions, whether you are male, female, a good boyfriend already or a complete terror, even if you think they are dumb questions. I'll be the judge.

Hi Jessy,

Long time reader, first time writer-in-er. I think your advice on being a great boyfriend is really good, but what about the flip side? You know - the age old dilemma of being too good a boyfriend and then leaving no room on her part for the proverbial chase.

How do you balance the two and know when you’re putting too much effort in and coming off as a lamewad?

Mr. Balance

Dear Mr. Balance:

Some people, in an attempt to woo, sometimes over-woo. But here's a tip: If you do something kind for your girlfriend and she doesn't appreciate it, you are working too hard. It is easy to tell if she is appreciative. You might lie to yourself and say she is trying to be coy, or playing hard to get. But in the animal kingdom, we all display natural reactive behavior. When man, bird, or platypus touches something hot, they recoil. When dog, wildebeast or 12 year old girl tastes something disgusting, they remove it from their mouths. When we do something kind for someone, if they are touched, they show appreciation. If they are not, they don't. If you do something kind for your girlfriend and she does not respond "in kind", then that should be your first sign that you are working too hard. "In kind" can be anything from a genuine, warm smile to a handjob. You might not always get the reaction that you were hoping for, but you should be able to tell if she appreciates you or not through obvious physical cues, if she isn't yet ready to give verbal cues.

As a general rule, don't let too much time go by without doing something nice for your girlfriend. If when you first met, you would take her on a bike ride every weekend, and it was something you both enjoyed doing, why should that stop? Every day, you should do something nice for your girlfriend, because every day, the shittiness of life prevails. As her boyfriend, you should be her best friend. You should be the one person who knows her so well, you could ruin her with a word, but instead you lift her up and give her joy. And she should do the same to you.

Another tip: Though it may be hard to not spoil someone who you are smitten with, it's good to try to match behavior. If she is coy, you can play coy right back. But if you are both always coy, either or both of you are not being honest with the other.

Honesty is important in relationships and in life. If you like someone, or if you hate someone, you should never be afraid to say so. If more people were vocally honest, this world would be a much better place.

A note on hurting someone's feelings: You should have had your feelings hurt on thousands of occasions by the time you are an adult. It happens. It's part of life. Feelings are for hurting. That is why dating sucks so badly - because you are basically giving someone permission to learn you inside and out and that makes you vulnerable to being hurt. You should be prepared to have your feelings hurt all the time. But you don't have to tolerate bad behavior from anyone. Only you can decide how many times a person is allowed to hurt your feelings before they have reached "too many times". And in a sound relationship, there should be a natural balance of all emotions without either of you having to "try" to do anything.

Finally, it is very important not to get caught up in any chase. Relationships aren't obstacle courses, they are sensitive, intimate encounters with a human animal, which is not so unlike a wild animal. If neither of you can handle that, just fuck random strangers you meet on Craigslist until you are mature enough to love and be loved.

Until next time, remember - being a boyfriend is easy. Being a better boyfriend is easy, too.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005


Boyfriends - here's a tip that involves soap. It's never appropriate to smell like a steak sandwich that has been running laps. When you've got that "not so fresh" feeling everywhere, it's time to take a break and head for the room of bath.

Get your ass in that shower! Take the soap and rub it over your ample front area! Scrub up and down your gams in an orderly fashion! Deposit the tip of the soap into the hole where no woman dare go! Slosh it around your two only true friends in life! Shimmy it around your back and neck and face area! Get up in those untoned arm flaps! Get in there! Don't forget to rinse, and shampoo.

Now, as we've all witnessed in cabs, sometimes people smell and either they aren't aware of it, some magical how, or they truly enjoy the reekings of their own gravy. So try the reverse. When you begin to smell that delicious perfume de ew that you love, it's that time again.

But here's an easy rule of thumb: TRY to shower daily. A clean man is a coveted man.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

No one likes a bossy pants

In my household my father had a saying for my mother. It went, "There's only one captain on this ship, and it's me." What a douche!

Here is a tip for all you gentlemen out there who would like to be able to maintain a semblance of companionship into your later years. There's no "captain" on a relation "ship". It should be more like, two people who gently row the boat along.

Many men enjoy being bossed around and they pay good money to get their nuts crunched on, their asses spanked with paddles, their faces smooshed into plates of food and whatever other messy, awkward scenarios submissives typically dig. But those people are crazy. Most normal dating relationships don't involve a "boss" or "leader", or "people who stomp on your nuts". When most people think of "boss", they think of that dick wad at work that they hate who makes them do things that are annoying for a very small amount of pay.

Do you want to be thought of as someone's asshole boss?

Here's what bosses do:
- give you lots of pointless jobs and errands to do
- make you work late when you have to be somewhere fun
- create sterile work environments that discourage you from getting comfortable
- act like they know everything when they usually don't
- never give you pay raises
- try to hump you in the employee bathroom and then act like nothing happened

Another word for "bossy" is "bully". You're not a bully, are you? Girls like to be kissed, hugged, and given presents. Girls, and really most anyone, likes to be encouraged and uplifted. If you want to be someone's daddy-figure, treat her more along the lines of your little girl who can do no wrong, not like your unwanted heat-of-the-moment mistake that you are now stuck with.

Remember, if you don't like the girl you're dating, you can ALWAYS BREAK UP WITH HER!

It may seem harsh, after all, if you don't "take care" of her, who will?

Get this: she'll take care of herself, the same way she did BEFORE she met you.

So, in closing, don't be a task mastering, slave-driving, boss-man, or trust me - one day you will get FIRED for a less bossy lover.

Saturday, September 03, 2005


If you follow this quick list of do's and don'ts, you'll be on your way to being a better boyfriend in no time!

- DON'T call your girlfriend a bitch upwards of 20 times a day in a snide, joking manner. Under five times is generally plenty.

- DO call your girlfriend candy face, chocolate cup cake, pumpkin pie head, happy puppy, sweet heart, pretty pretty princess, little baby angel butt, or make up your own - just take two to five cute words and pair them together in an adorable run on sentence. Say it in a baby voice, and follow that by kissing (one time each) her nose, each of her pretty cheeks, the round of her shoulders, and back of her neck. (HINT: Don't over do this. This is not to be done more than one time a day, or two if it's a particularly sappy sweet boyfriend / girlfriend fun-having day. If you do this too often, she will start to hate your guts.)

- DON'T constantly drum on the floor with drumsticks.

- DO take your girlfriend out to dinner.

- DON'T insist your girlfriend stop writing something important to watch a TV docu-drama about Danny Pelosi, then get mad when she doesn't.

- DO buy your girlfriend one of those 25 cent bodega ice cream sandwiches for no reason at all. And buy her some beer, too. Corona, preferrably. (If you buy a lime, cut it up and stick one slice into the top of the beer, she WILL be impressed.)

- DON'T insult your girlfriend in front of some strange homeless guy.

- DO get your priorities straight in life.

Adhere to these DOs and DONT's, or manipulate them just slightly to fit your girlfriend's lifestyle (perhaps she prefers Red Stripe or Michelob?) and you will be on your way to becoming in the longterm, the world's greatest boyfriend, and in the short term, a better one.