Monday, January 15, 2007

An introspective, potential better boyfriend writes in today

This long entry was inspired by a gentleman in the Austrian army.

He writes:

i was reading your better boyfirend blog as im not the greatest boyfriend and need to find a way to make my girl feel more loved.

we live apart because of my profession (australian army) and she is tired of her friends and family telling her we shouldnt be together and defending our relationship.

i have trouble showing her how much i really appeciate her and everythign she does, do you have any ideas on how i can show her how much i really appreciate her because im struck for ideas and i want to spend the rest of my life with her

any help would be most appreciated


*His name has been changed to protect this stranger, so I shall rename him:

Armed With Love (and weapons)

Dear Armed With Love (and weapons):

I have a few suggestions for you. For starters, it sounds like you need some serious help, and unfortunately, I'm not really a serious person and this is not really a serious help site. So, that sucks for you.

Second, I have very bad news. The first thing you are going to have to do if you want to be a better boyfriend to this girl is to quit the army. You can't be a good boyfriend from far away. You just can't. You can be a pal, you can be a buddy, you can be a pen pal. But you can't really be a boyfriend. I believe that physical love is really the main component of a relationship.

I'll use this analogy an old boyfriend told me once long ago: A relationship is like an omelette. And sex is the eggs. You can have lots of other things in the omelette too, like veggies and cheese, and chives and salt, but you can't have an omelette without the eggs.

I have been in a long distance relationship (I had a boyfriend who went to jail for seven months - he was an activist and went to jail illegally - more on that some other time) and though he showered me with letters (I got one almost daily, and of course, you should be doing the same thing for your lady gal) it was really hard to be away from this man I had loved emotionally and physically for that long. I'm a very busy performer and I spent a lot of time touring, hanging out with great (mostly) female friends who weren't trying to get into my pants, and visiting him in jail, and I was able to muster through. But without any exaggeration, it was the loneliest, most miserable experience I've ever encountered. I don't recommend it.

I missed him, of course, but the worst part was the time I spent worrying about him. It consumed almost every moment of my waking day. (He was attacked by guards, he was put through traumatizing and violent "correctional" activities, and my friends and TV shows with their obsession on jail rape didn't help any.) My only peace was found in sleep and at the bottom of a bottle. A very big bottle.

So, if you want to be the best boyfriend you can to this girl, I'd recommend that you quit the army and go be her boyfriend.

Therefore, I guess it depends on your morales here, and how important this girl is to you, compared to being in the army. It is a decision you'll have to make alone, comrade.

I hate to ruin the party, but your girlfriend may have already found company in another male companion. I didn't cheat on my boyfriend while he was gone, and some women don't cheat, but it was REALLY hard. And unfortunately, the women I've known who had men in the army - cheated. But to be a better boyfriend, understanding is imperative. So you might need to accept the possibility that this may be so, and then be willing to forgive her and understand why this has happened. If it has happened. If it has not happened, yes, you are very lucky and will need to quit the army to reward her for being so awesome.

The last piece of advice I have is this: don't die or lose any limbs in the army. That will fuck EVERYTHING up. You have no idea how crushing emotionally it will be to this girl to lose you like that! So be extra careful. And finally, when you get out of the army, don't go back in.

So, in closing:

1. Write her letters almost every day if you haven't been already. Don't forget to spell check! Sending small gifts is nice, too, or a piece of your clothing if you can. Smells are important in refreshing the senses. Don't send her a sweaty ball holder. Send her a t-shirt you've slept in after washing. And calling every day is helpful. She needs something that is of you to stay connected to you, be it your voice, your letters or a trinket you send her. Phone sex actually kind of works, too.

2. Forgive her if she has cheated. Don't even ask about it. Just assume she has and forgive her for it / understand.

3. Quit the army, don't die, and when you get out, don't go back in ever again.

It sounds like you were just looking for advice on how to reward your girlfriend for defending you to her family and being so great, but this blog doesn't really work that way. However, I like to please the people. So, I'd say, really, quit the army.

If you can't quit the army, send that chick all your money.

When you get out of the army and want some ideas on how to spoil her, write back to me and I'll refresh my advice then.

Another hard truth is that if you truly care about this poor girl, sometimes you have to do that old set love free thing that all the old wise assholes talk about. You might consider breaking up with her and dating someone in the army, then trying to be a good boyfriend to the army lady. Like, you could carry her mess hall tray and shit like that. That way, the poor other girl could get on with her life and get a decent night's sleep. When you get out of the army, if you aren't mangled or handicapped and are meant to be together, she will re-embrace you with open arms.

Remember - it's really all up to you how you handle it. This entry was written as a humorous essay inspired by your letter, and is not intented to hurt you or anyone else. I wish you luck, safety, a happy, healthy, prosperous life, peace, and all the cake you can have AND eat.

Please keep us posted.

Until next time, dear readers, keep your hearts open and don't forget to bribe fate if you see that bitch!

Friday, January 05, 2007


1. It's a new year! Start fresh! Forget the past. Try to actually say to your girlfriend: "I forgive you for the past. Now, we are going to start anew." It sounds corny, right? Love is corny! Love is super gay! Love is for losers! If you weren't a corny, gay loser in love, you'd be corny, gay and single, and doing something corny, gay and the night manager of Appleby's in Toledo, OH, or maybe working as Metallica's head roadie. Appreciate where you are in life! Once you forgive her, that's it! No more bringing it up and holding it over her like a dozen eggs you can't wait to drop in her hair! Cook the eggs! Cook them! Then, shit them out! They're gone forever! That's the magic of the new year.

2. Try a threesome. Hey, why not? If you both want to, I mean. It's a new year!

3. Do something for your girlfriend this year that you didn't do last year. Did you take her to Great Adventure? No? This is your big chance! Did you massage her whole body with that awesome sugar olive oil scrub I taught you how to make? No? What are you gonna DO with your life? Think about it, budget it out, and buddy, this year, make it happen.

4. Start a new routine. It's a new year! For example: If she's a cool, literate type, read her a chapter of a classic book, weekly, or randomly, or when it fits the mood, before you both go to sleep. That doesn't mean you have to do it every night, or if you or she doesn't want that shit, obviously. Here are some hits: Don Quixote, The Fountainhead, Moby Dick, The Odyssey. Sometimes my boyfriend reads the newspaper to me and I rather enjoy it quite a lot. A little classic novel reading togetherness never hurt anyone's relationship. If your lady doesn't appreciate you reading softly to her from one of the world's finest novels as she drifts off into a peaceful sleep, stop reading this blog. You need more than advice.

5. Find a new spot to take your lady to once a month. It can be a restaurant, it can be a scenic point, it can be a cup cake shop. Whatever it is, do it once a month. It can be on a Friday, it can be on a Tuesday. It can be during the day or during the night. The choices are endless! If you call it something -- special spot night -- or whatever clever little aliterated line you can come up with, that will help you to be able to bring it up later when she says you never take her out. "Well, what about our special spot night?" You can say. And huzzah! You have won.

7. Skip six. Don't you already have a bunch of resolutions, like quit smoking, join a gym, eat less beef, etc. Do those for #6. And while you're doing those things, here's something to help keep you motivated: Beef gives you cancer, smoking gives you cancer, gyms give you -- that's right -- cancer. So tip #7 is, don't get cancer. Good boyfriends do NOT do that.

8. Bowls of treats around the house! Yes! Hershey's kisses...home-made snicker-doodles...dammit, I'm going to turn you into a bunch of pussy-whipped, twat worshipping fags if it's the last thing I do with my wretched life!

9. Purchase a new cartridge and change the ink in the printer. It's out and you were the last person to use it, and you used it a lot in December.

10. Remember how much you love your girlfriend and why you are with her, and why you put up with her bullshit, and why she puts up with yours. Remember it out loud to her face. I dare you. Life is longer than it should be, but short enough that when it ends, it'll be nice to have someone you like hanging around, changing your piss bags and wiping your mouth up then throwing away the spit napkins. Don't forget: women live longer than men, cock face!

Until I am back with new advice - be kind to that "bitch". She'll love you forever, if you'll let her.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Tip A Billion and three: Misogyny is for homos

It's been working pretty well for you so far, hasn't it? All the desparate, troubled girls come running round to worship your small cock and bolster your phony ego. Does it make you feel important to be the one those sad eyes look up at?

Misogyny is for fags. Seriously. In anywhere from seven to several dozen years, you will wake up one day totally gay! You will be like, "Ooooooohhhhhh! So, THAT'S what was wrong with me!" Then, you'll have to call your exes interrupting them, as by now, they will be involved in good relationships with decent people, because women have the power of introspection, which men, apparently, do not so readily have. So, why not just cut out the whole abusiveness thingy and just go be gay?

No one really knows what makes a man gay. Some people think it's the chemicals that were in the fertility drugs, or the water, or smoking, or microwaving plastic containters, or watching The Wizard Of Oz while pregnant, or crack fumes, or gay pills. But being mean to a woman doesn't make you any less gay. It doesn't make you cool. It doesn't make you funny. It doesn't make you more money. It doesn't make your dick grow. It doesn't make her love you. It makes you pathetic. It makes you live your life in a black hole of doubt and lovelessness. It just makes you sad, because you want to be gay, and you can't be, because Tom will stop hanging out with you, and Peter won't sell you pot anymore, and Phil will try to get you to suck his dick. And you hate Phil!

Just. Go. Be. Gay. Elton John turned it into a multi-million dollar career. Join THAT fad! It's a hell of a lot better than bringing the world down with your internal lying problem! Jerk!