Monday, January 15, 2007

An introspective, potential better boyfriend writes in today

This long entry was inspired by a gentleman in the Austrian army.

He writes:

i was reading your better boyfirend blog as im not the greatest boyfriend and need to find a way to make my girl feel more loved.

we live apart because of my profession (australian army) and she is tired of her friends and family telling her we shouldnt be together and defending our relationship.

i have trouble showing her how much i really appeciate her and everythign she does, do you have any ideas on how i can show her how much i really appreciate her because im struck for ideas and i want to spend the rest of my life with her

any help would be most appreciated


*His name has been changed to protect this stranger, so I shall rename him:

Armed With Love (and weapons)

Dear Armed With Love (and weapons):

I have a few suggestions for you. For starters, it sounds like you need some serious help, and unfortunately, I'm not really a serious person and this is not really a serious help site. So, that sucks for you.

Second, I have very bad news. The first thing you are going to have to do if you want to be a better boyfriend to this girl is to quit the army. You can't be a good boyfriend from far away. You just can't. You can be a pal, you can be a buddy, you can be a pen pal. But you can't really be a boyfriend. I believe that physical love is really the main component of a relationship.

I'll use this analogy an old boyfriend told me once long ago: A relationship is like an omelette. And sex is the eggs. You can have lots of other things in the omelette too, like veggies and cheese, and chives and salt, but you can't have an omelette without the eggs.

I have been in a long distance relationship (I had a boyfriend who went to jail for seven months - he was an activist and went to jail illegally - more on that some other time) and though he showered me with letters (I got one almost daily, and of course, you should be doing the same thing for your lady gal) it was really hard to be away from this man I had loved emotionally and physically for that long. I'm a very busy performer and I spent a lot of time touring, hanging out with great (mostly) female friends who weren't trying to get into my pants, and visiting him in jail, and I was able to muster through. But without any exaggeration, it was the loneliest, most miserable experience I've ever encountered. I don't recommend it.

I missed him, of course, but the worst part was the time I spent worrying about him. It consumed almost every moment of my waking day. (He was attacked by guards, he was put through traumatizing and violent "correctional" activities, and my friends and TV shows with their obsession on jail rape didn't help any.) My only peace was found in sleep and at the bottom of a bottle. A very big bottle.

So, if you want to be the best boyfriend you can to this girl, I'd recommend that you quit the army and go be her boyfriend.

Therefore, I guess it depends on your morales here, and how important this girl is to you, compared to being in the army. It is a decision you'll have to make alone, comrade.

I hate to ruin the party, but your girlfriend may have already found company in another male companion. I didn't cheat on my boyfriend while he was gone, and some women don't cheat, but it was REALLY hard. And unfortunately, the women I've known who had men in the army - cheated. But to be a better boyfriend, understanding is imperative. So you might need to accept the possibility that this may be so, and then be willing to forgive her and understand why this has happened. If it has happened. If it has not happened, yes, you are very lucky and will need to quit the army to reward her for being so awesome.

The last piece of advice I have is this: don't die or lose any limbs in the army. That will fuck EVERYTHING up. You have no idea how crushing emotionally it will be to this girl to lose you like that! So be extra careful. And finally, when you get out of the army, don't go back in.

So, in closing:

1. Write her letters almost every day if you haven't been already. Don't forget to spell check! Sending small gifts is nice, too, or a piece of your clothing if you can. Smells are important in refreshing the senses. Don't send her a sweaty ball holder. Send her a t-shirt you've slept in after washing. And calling every day is helpful. She needs something that is of you to stay connected to you, be it your voice, your letters or a trinket you send her. Phone sex actually kind of works, too.

2. Forgive her if she has cheated. Don't even ask about it. Just assume she has and forgive her for it / understand.

3. Quit the army, don't die, and when you get out, don't go back in ever again.

It sounds like you were just looking for advice on how to reward your girlfriend for defending you to her family and being so great, but this blog doesn't really work that way. However, I like to please the people. So, I'd say, really, quit the army.

If you can't quit the army, send that chick all your money.

When you get out of the army and want some ideas on how to spoil her, write back to me and I'll refresh my advice then.

Another hard truth is that if you truly care about this poor girl, sometimes you have to do that old set love free thing that all the old wise assholes talk about. You might consider breaking up with her and dating someone in the army, then trying to be a good boyfriend to the army lady. Like, you could carry her mess hall tray and shit like that. That way, the poor other girl could get on with her life and get a decent night's sleep. When you get out of the army, if you aren't mangled or handicapped and are meant to be together, she will re-embrace you with open arms.

Remember - it's really all up to you how you handle it. This entry was written as a humorous essay inspired by your letter, and is not intented to hurt you or anyone else. I wish you luck, safety, a happy, healthy, prosperous life, peace, and all the cake you can have AND eat.

Please keep us posted.

Until next time, dear readers, keep your hearts open and don't forget to bribe fate if you see that bitch!


Blogger fabiola said...

I don't think you should quit the army or feel discouraged. As a person who is in a long distance relationship for 3 years now I can tell u that distance is not really sucha big deal, I mean it is but it isn't, let me explain. I am going to see my boyfriend sometime next year God willing, but we keep on the promise that we will make it up for all these months we've been apart, and also we tell each other every single day how much we love each other and can't wait to meet again. I believe that communication is really key on LD relationships. If you send her an e-mail, chat or even send her a text message everyday, your relationship can last forever.

Hope this helps :)

8:06 PM  

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