Friday, January 05, 2007


1. It's a new year! Start fresh! Forget the past. Try to actually say to your girlfriend: "I forgive you for the past. Now, we are going to start anew." It sounds corny, right? Love is corny! Love is super gay! Love is for losers! If you weren't a corny, gay loser in love, you'd be corny, gay and single, and doing something corny, gay and the night manager of Appleby's in Toledo, OH, or maybe working as Metallica's head roadie. Appreciate where you are in life! Once you forgive her, that's it! No more bringing it up and holding it over her like a dozen eggs you can't wait to drop in her hair! Cook the eggs! Cook them! Then, shit them out! They're gone forever! That's the magic of the new year.

2. Try a threesome. Hey, why not? If you both want to, I mean. It's a new year!

3. Do something for your girlfriend this year that you didn't do last year. Did you take her to Great Adventure? No? This is your big chance! Did you massage her whole body with that awesome sugar olive oil scrub I taught you how to make? No? What are you gonna DO with your life? Think about it, budget it out, and buddy, this year, make it happen.

4. Start a new routine. It's a new year! For example: If she's a cool, literate type, read her a chapter of a classic book, weekly, or randomly, or when it fits the mood, before you both go to sleep. That doesn't mean you have to do it every night, or if you or she doesn't want that shit, obviously. Here are some hits: Don Quixote, The Fountainhead, Moby Dick, The Odyssey. Sometimes my boyfriend reads the newspaper to me and I rather enjoy it quite a lot. A little classic novel reading togetherness never hurt anyone's relationship. If your lady doesn't appreciate you reading softly to her from one of the world's finest novels as she drifts off into a peaceful sleep, stop reading this blog. You need more than advice.

5. Find a new spot to take your lady to once a month. It can be a restaurant, it can be a scenic point, it can be a cup cake shop. Whatever it is, do it once a month. It can be on a Friday, it can be on a Tuesday. It can be during the day or during the night. The choices are endless! If you call it something -- special spot night -- or whatever clever little aliterated line you can come up with, that will help you to be able to bring it up later when she says you never take her out. "Well, what about our special spot night?" You can say. And huzzah! You have won.

7. Skip six. Don't you already have a bunch of resolutions, like quit smoking, join a gym, eat less beef, etc. Do those for #6. And while you're doing those things, here's something to help keep you motivated: Beef gives you cancer, smoking gives you cancer, gyms give you -- that's right -- cancer. So tip #7 is, don't get cancer. Good boyfriends do NOT do that.

8. Bowls of treats around the house! Yes! Hershey's kisses...home-made snicker-doodles...dammit, I'm going to turn you into a bunch of pussy-whipped, twat worshipping fags if it's the last thing I do with my wretched life!

9. Purchase a new cartridge and change the ink in the printer. It's out and you were the last person to use it, and you used it a lot in December.

10. Remember how much you love your girlfriend and why you are with her, and why you put up with her bullshit, and why she puts up with yours. Remember it out loud to her face. I dare you. Life is longer than it should be, but short enough that when it ends, it'll be nice to have someone you like hanging around, changing your piss bags and wiping your mouth up then throwing away the spit napkins. Don't forget: women live longer than men, cock face!

Until I am back with new advice - be kind to that "bitch". She'll love you forever, if you'll let her.


Blogger Fatema said...

Heyyy. Chanced upon your blog a few hours ago. Awesome advice but what do you do when yuor boyfriend is angry at you?? Some tips?


12:04 AM  

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