'HOW TO BE A BETTER BOYFRIEND' PRESENTS:
Tip #2,143: Clean up your life...starting with your home
SO, you're in between jobs. Not a big deal. You'll get one, you'll pull your share. You aren't a total loser. You're spending some of your day reading this blog, so that is a good start, fella!
However, your girlfriend does have a job. And her job is to show up someplace and get bugged by people all day. "Can I use your friga-frag?" they ask, and then never give the friggin' friga-frag back, leaving her to chase them down for it. "Can I borrow you for a minute?" they imply, and then use her for well over one minute's worth of minutes. "Hi. You look like you need to hear a really boring story about my offspring," they insist in not so many words. Their subtext should come with a warning, but it never does. And even if it did, the only escape is the shitter. And can you really call that an escape?
Then, she comes home, and there you are, in front of the computer / tv / glowing box of some kind, in your underwear / boxers / speedos, and the place looks like a tornado hit it. And it has been hit by a tornado. And that tornado's name is YOU.
This tip can be called a lot of different things. It can be called, "Stop Being A Lazy Sponge." It could be referred to as, "Grow UP, Your Momma Don't Live Here." But you KNOW that, jack ass! It could even be titled, "KILL YOURSELF," but we've really already covered that topic. (See: TIP #114: TO KEEP THE DATING POOL CLEAN, LOSERS MUST COMMIT SUICIDE)
So, for now, we'll just aptly call it, "Clean up your life...starting with your home."
Here are some things you can do to make life better and easier for your girlfriend, so she's not tempted to run away with her silver fox, really just as bad as you boss who just seems better because even though he has a wife, at least he's got a job. If you do this whole list, or even any part of it, she WILL be impressed. And she WILL be shocked and awed. And she WILL like you a little bit better, at least for a few precious moments. And she WILL be tricked into thinking that, maybe there is hope for the two of you at happiness. Little does she know that happiness doesn't exist, and especially not with you, but why spoil the surprise?
Oddly, many men don't know how to do this very basic stuff.
So here are simple lessons within today's lesson:
1. Wow her with clean dishes. Easy! They won't take more than fifteen minutes. You can listen to the game while you scrub, because you probably love sports, because why wouldn't you? You're an utter shit head! But though I can't change your love for men tackling each other, which, let's be honest, is kind of gay, I can help you make subtle improvements in your life.
Take a sponge and squirt soap onto it. Rub it on the dish, especially on areas where there are grime or spots. Wash it til the crud is gone. Rinse off. Repeat until no dishes are left. Bravo! You're almost not retarded!IDIOT WARNING:
While you're listening to the game, do not touch the radio or tv with wet hands, to turn up the sound or what have you. This can cause electrocution which can kill you. Though killing yourself would be one of the kindest things you could do for your girlfriend, I don't want to be responsible for your retarded death.
2. Surprise her! Wash the toilet with a (toilet, not a hair) brush. If you don't own a toilet brush, go buy one. Get into your rusty Subaru and drive it to Walmart and BUY one. They cost less than $5. While you're there, buy a bottle of bleach. It's called CLOROX, but even the cheap generic kind will do the trick. When you get home, go into the bathroom (you know the room well, it's where you spend most of your free time) dump a half a cup of bleach into the toilet and scrub off all (what is mostly your) leavings. Take the brush and scrub it around, like it's your teeth. When done, flush it all away, the way your girlfriend did with her hopes and dreams when she settled for you.
You can also buy fancy toilet cleaner, but it's more expensive and
doesn't necessarily do a better job.IDIOT WARNING:
Don't mix bleach and ammonia, unless you want to do your girlfriend a favor and kill yourself. It creates a poisonous fume that, upon your inhaling, will make your girlfriend's life instantly better. So, warning: don't mix bleach and ammonia.
3. Shock her into submission. Vacuum. You probably have one in some closet somewhere. You don't know where it is, because you've probably never vacuumed in your life. But it's easy. Just look in all the closets until you see something that looks like a sleeping plastic/metal robot, and plug it in. It will make a loud noise, but don't be scared! It's just a piece of electrical machinery that picks up dust and dirt using a sucking motion. Push the vacuum back and forth over carpeted and non-carpeted areas. It's similar to masturbating, so you
should be able to master the motion in moments.IDIOT WARNING:
Do not apply sucking hose nozzle over your penis, even if you heard it is great fun. Even if I just used the word sucking. It can cause serious penis trauma. Plus, going to the hospital because you put a vacuum on your penis will be embarrassing, because someone who works at the hospital will send photos of, what will be referred to by everyone you know as "the vacuum incident" to the local newspaper.
You have been warned.
4. Knock her socks off! Do the laundry. I know you think she actually enjoys
washing your semen-encrusted socks, but guess what? She DOESN'T. Start out by just doing yours until you get better at it. (That alone will stun her so much, she'll probably think you're cheating on her.)
It sucks to try to do your girlfriend a favor and then you accidentally wash and ruin a very expensive, non-replaceable silk or wool garment, simply because you are a complete moron. And it is less work for you to do, as you're super lazy and the world knows it.
Don't forget to sort your white clothes together in one pile, and all the other things that are other colors in another pile. But Jessica, I've been mixing my clothes together for years,
you internally say as you read this. Well, boyfriend.
YOU. ARE. A. RETARD. What are you going to trust? Your retarded brain? Or my smart one? Sort them. If you're doing it at the laundry mat, just ask someone who works there for help, if you're truly as despicable as you probably are. If you have a washer/dryer at home, call your girlfriend at work and ask her to guide you through it. She'll probably be glad you called. While you have her on the phone, tell her you miss her and can't wait to see her. Then, go make the bed. It's so easy even you can do it. Put the blankets in order, sheet first, then blanket. You don't even have to tuck them in. Just sort of lay them on the bed. She'll be so shocked you did that much, she won't complain that they aren't laid out in a more fancy manner.
If you can complete all of these tasks today, Congratulations! You are on the road to becoming a better, not completely incompetent, boyfriend.
Now, repeat this series of tasks about once a week.
Tune in for the next installment, where I teach you more lessons about how to become something resembling an atypical, improved species of the human male.
Until then, remember! No peenie in the suckie tube!