You Can Be A Better Boyfriend!

2010-12-27T11:44:00.000-08:00

GET HER A CHRISTMAS PRESENT

OK, well, you don't celebrate Christmas. She doesn't celebrate Christmas. She's Jewish. You're cheap. You're a Jehovas Witness. She's away. Whatever the reason, I don't want to hear it. Every single woman in the world, I don't care who she is or where she's from, wants presents. There doesn't have to be an excuse, but if you can come up with one, you will become the star of her day.

You don't have to call it a "Christmas present" but you do have to wrap it, or at least put it in a pretty bag. Put a little effort into it is all I'm saying. Effort puts you so far ahead of the game, even a smidgeon of it, as so few men are willing to put effort into anything besides jerking off, and even that is a stretch.

Some great ideas for Christmas presents, if you're really that clueless that you have no idea what women like:

jewelry
candy
candles
flowers
clothing / make up / gift certificates
a nice dinner
a trip somewhere
a nice dish / tea set / candle holders

All of these ideas suck without your enthusiasm and thoughtfulness. It's up to you to take whatever you get and put a little bit of je nais cest quai into it so that you don't look like the utter idiot you tend to look like the other 364 days of the year.

Notice lingerie is not on the list. That is a gift for you, not for her. Though many ladies do enjoy getting sexy toys and lingerie and things like that for gifts, make sure she has asked for it or at least hinted that she wants it.

A note about hinting: don't be so oblivious in life that you don't pick up hints. People who walk around clueless are the same people who get hit by buses. Keep your ears and eyes open at all times, except when sleeping, and especially around the woman you adore. This guarantees that you will be a better boyfriend than any of those other schmoes your girlfriend wasted precious minutes of her life with. Go get her, tiger!

2010-11-29T10:48:00.000-08:00

Today's Lesson: PORN ETIQUETTE

Who doesn't love porn? It's hot (sometimes), ridiculous (usually) and athletically impressive (now and again). But something the boyfriends of the world need to understand is that PORN is not REAL LIFE. Sure, it's fun to play around with a video camera and a gal pal now and again but remember the golden rule: DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE DONE UNTO YOU.

Would you like an 8 inch phallus inserted, lovingly or otherwise, into your rectum? If you're not sure what that would feel like, just try to recall the largest hot pepper crap you've ever taken in your life. Would you like to wipe tablespoons of semen out of your eye socket? If you're not sure what that might feel like, just think of how it feels to get shampoo in your peepers. Would you like to involve feces in your sex life? If you love playing with dookie so much, why not just have a baby?

If the answer is yes to all those questions, you probably should break up with your girlfriend, unless she's into that stuff, too. These posts may seem like common sense but you'd be surprised at how daft people are when it comes to dating. As a last word, THIS.

Enjoy, and remember, porn is a fun sex tool and can be beneficial to a relationship, but you are not and probably never will be a porn star, and neither is your girlfriend. If you could date a porn star, you would be dating one, poo poo fingers.

2010-09-13T07:17:00.000-07:00

BETTER BOYFRIEND

Fan Mail

Today, we have a letter from a reader who wants to win his ex back, below. He promises more details to come. Does anyone want to take a psychic guess at what he might have done to lose his love?

Hello,
I recently broke up with a girl I am madly in love with. I was not the best boyfriend ever, to be honest more towards the worst. She gave me countless chances and decided to give up on me but I am not giving up on her because I want to be better but I know I will only have one shot at this. Can you please respond so i may include details? I love her to death and I want the best for her but she doesn't trust or believe me. How do I fix this? (and trust me there's more)

Thank you,
[Pathetic Paramour]

Tune in soon to see what this lousy lothario may have done and how we can attempt to fix the problem. And send in your letters and questions!

2009-01-12T17:59:00.000-08:00

How To Be A Better Boyfriend -- THE WORKSHOP!

Register for the *How To Be A Better Boyfriend* WORKSHOP and learn how to be
a responsible, caring man who can KEEP a partner around. This fun and silly yet
seriously inspirational workshop will teach you, in very simple terms, how to be
a better boyfriend.

In this workshop, you will learn:

*How to treat your partner right
*How to be a better lover
*How to get (or make) your sweetheart the right gifts for every occasion
*How to communicate better in your relationship
*How to develop your relationship and take it to the next level
*How to have more fun with your girlfriend
*How to use your sense of humor in the relationship
*Your best qualities and how to hone them
*How to be a better boyfriend!

...And So Much More!!!

This workshop is for men who:

-- are in relationships which they'd like to see improve
-- are just starting out in new relationships
-- have recently broken up with or were broken up with and aren't quite sure what went wrong
-- have recently broken up with or were broken up with and knew exactly what went wrong
-- men who are bad at having relationships
-- men who are bad boyfriends

In one 3 hour power course, you will learn some basics which will teach
you go from polished jerk to shining gem.

HOW TO BE A BETTER BOYFRIEND
Discovering Your Inner Un-Jerk
Tuesday, January 27th
6:30 - 9:30 PM

email for details, location and to pre-register
jessdelfino@yahoo.com

2009-01-03T09:31:00.000-08:00

New Year's Nincompoop

Today we meet a man who found himself in techno-trouble with a tantalizing text message to a buddy.

I came accross your "how to be a better boyfriend blog" and I really need your advice. I have been with the same girl for 9 years. Anniversary was Dec 31 (2 days ago) which I totaly blew.

I really do love her but have found myself flirting too much lately with other girls. This time took the cake though. While my gf and I were at dinner for our special night, I texted my buddy commenting how hot the waitresses were. I got up and went to the bathroom and sure enough when I got back, she had read what I wrote and was in tears. I am such an idiot. Even though it may be harmless to me, it is definitely not to her. Needless to say dinner was finished immediately and I went to drop her off at her work (a bar) where she went and shared how much of an asshole I am with everyone there. She slept at a friends house and did call me all night (most of which I was too passsed out to hear.) She blasted me like crazy when she got home but then after a while of me apologizing and sincere crying, she seemed to forgive.

I still feel horribly guilty and can't really believe she is just going to brush that off so easily. What do you think I should do to try to make up for the anniversary and what should i do to take steps of being a 1 man guy and losing my urges for other women???

Dear Techno-Turd:

For starters, I don't think you will ever "lose your urges" for other women. And I'm not suggesting that you "lie" to yourself or anyone else about those urges. But I think you can manage your urges better, for starters, you goofy brained twit.

It appears that you knew what buttons to push to piss off your girlfriend, and then for some reason, perhaps unintentionally, but perhaps not, you went ahead and pushed them, crushing your girlfriend's ego on a night that was supposed to be about the two of you. You turned a romantic evening into a creep-a-thon. Way to go, shit for fingers. Though it seemed harmless enough to you, ask yourself -- what did you have to gain from writing that message? It wasn't funny or insightful. It was very after school special stupid of you. Are you a jock? Jocks are brainless doofuses who go after all the tail because their small brains don't have the intellect to know that beauty is fleeting. So, the next time you are driven to do something that you KNOW deep down is going to make you and your girlfriend feel disconnected, just ask yourself -- Am I a jock? If your response is -- "Duhhhh!" then, by all means, go ahead with your plan. If your answer is, "No", then put the cellphone down, man! And instead of looking everywhere else, look instead at your lady and tell HER that SHE is beautiful. That's the better boyfriend way.

It sounds to me like she got back at you in her mind. She spent New Year's Eve with her friend and when she got home, she blasted you, and then was willing to move on. If she is willing to forgive and forget, I think you should let her. If you want to try to make it up to her, that could be a nice gesture. Perhaps you can try to take her out to a restaurant where all the MEN are super hot. Are you man enough to take her to HUNKAMANIA in NYC, an all male revue, and let her get some eye candy in for a change?

As for losing your urges, as I mentioned, I don't know if that can happen, at least not until you are older and more mature. Sure, you may feel urges in your heart to think or say things that you know are going to hurt your girlfriend, but you don't have to act on them. Be in control of your mind and body. Perhaps meditation or yoga is something to consider -- something that helps you to focus on self control. But in the mean time, you can remember incidents like this and how much discord and calamity they cause. Who wants to spend even one minute crying? Crying is for sissies and faggots. Are you a sissy or a faggot? The next time you feel like crying, just ask yourself -- Am I a sissy or a faggot? Not that there is anything wrong with crying, or being a sissy, or being a faggot. But seriously. Crying should be saved for important events, like deaths and births and weddings, not for stupid text message dramas. BORING!

I had a boyfriend once who used jealousy to manipulate and control me. He would flirt vivaciously with women all the time -- in front of my face, behind my back and in every other angle of my vision. He knew it hurt me and he'd insist it didn't mean anything. But it meant to me that he didn't respect me or care about how it made me feel. And now, he can flirt with any woman he wants to, because he is single. Meanwhile, I've moved on into a very loving and caring relationship.

Life is short and you should remember that you are very lucky to find someone to love who loves you back. Appreciate that person, and have the self-esteem and the maturity to behave respectfully to yourself and to others, especially the woman you love.

2008-08-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

HOW TO BE A BETTER BOYFRIEND REUNION

It's been awhile since I've updated this blog. I have been spending a lot of time looking inside and considering what I've been doing wrong and I think I might have figured it out.

I'm not going to get too detailed into it here, but I think it has a little bit to do with not knowing what I wanted and also not knowing what was out there. Perhaps there were some self-esteem issues hanging out in there as well.

But regarding the boyfriend for which this site was written, I'm thrilled to report that he is now an ex-boyfriend. And I am happy to report that after years of wrongfully and pointlessly trying to make my old boyfriend into a better boyfriend, I have found the better boyfriend I never knew existed. I've been watching him and will share some tips of how to be a better boyfriend that I learned from someone who really knows how to be a great boyfriend!

Gentlemen, if you are reading this, you're headed in the right direction. Hang in there, and good luck!

HOW TO BE A BETTER BOYFRIEND
(as learned from experience)
EPISODE 243: MALES WHO MAKE MEALS MELT MAMAS or...

Cook for your lady. Girls LOVE that. Cooking isn't too hard. It just takes a little practice. If you were raised in a family where food was scarce or where a family meal consisted of chopped up hot dogs on toast, it's ok. You can still learn to cook in just a few weeks.

A good starter meal is spaghetti and a nice bottle of wine. If you spend $8 - $10 on a bottle of wine, that'll do just fine. Trader Joe's also has their $3 chuck that is really not bad at all! I drink it by the bottle on a regular basis. Mmmmm! Alcohol-istic!

The trick to the spaghetti meal: make your own sauce. I know it may sound daunting but it's SO EASY and it tastes really good. And it's not that expensive. For less than $20 you can prepare a meal that looks like it costs $100.

Plus, spaghetti is almost impossible for even the most bird-brained dumb ass to ruin.

I'm going to walk you through it step by step.

First, get a big pot. If you don't have one and can't afford a Bed Bath and Beyond or Crate and Barrel spending spree, borrow one from a neighbor or buy one at the thrift store for $3. NOTE: I've touched up on this a few times and I'll touch upon it again. If you're a broke ass dude, dating might not be for you. Get a job, get your life in order and then you can date with more success. It's not that you have to have money so that you can buy a girl tons of things. But in order to live a serene life, YOU NEED SOME MONEY. Not a ton of money, but if you have to buy a $10 pot it shouldn't be something that's going to break the bank. Sometimes pots need to be bought. Sometimes pot. Either way, currency will be needed sometimes for dating (and for general life) purposes.

NOTE: If you're a bad cook and you just know it, sometimes the alternative pot helps...munchies don't judge.

2. Fill your pot 3/4 full with water. Pour a couple teaspoons of olive oil in there and a few dashes of salt. (Olive oil is preferred but any oil will do. This is so that the spaghetti doesn't stick together.) Let the water boil. While the water is boiling, make the sauce.

SAUCE:

Get a box of those little grape or cherry tomatoes. Put them ALL in another smaller pot with about 2-3 cups of water and let the water boil until they are soft. The two pots of water will start boiling at around the same time. So when the pasta pot starts boiling, turn the fire down a little and add a half a box of spaghetti. (Angel hair is a really good spaghetti and it looks pretty on a plate. Bowtie pasta and Farfalle (the cork screw ones) also are nice for presentation purposes. They all cost less than a buck a box, usually.)

NOTE: If you can't find grape or cherry tomatoes, regular or plum tomatoes will work, too. Get three or four of them. And if you're just simply not into making your own sauce, get Barilla sauce. It's damn good.

When the tomatoes start boiling, turn the heat off. Take the tomatoes out and put them into a bowl. Put cold water on them so they cool down enough for you to handle. Squeeze the tomato part out of the cherry / grape skin so that just the mushy tomato middle is left. Throw the skin away. Put them into a bowl and mush them up with a fork. Add four tablespoons of olive oil, a few pinches of salt and pepper and 8 or 9 fresh basil leaves or a few tablespoons of sprinkled basil if you can't find fresh basil. Add some of the water you cooked the tomatoes in or a little more water to make it have some consistency. Mix it up. Add olives if you like or any other veggies you appreciate, but just the mushy tomatoes, basil, salt and pepper is impress-your-girlfriend-a-riffic.

When pasta is boiling, turn down the water and let it cook for a few more minutes. It doesn't take more than 8 or 9 minutes to have perfecto pasta. When you reach in with a fork and the pasta is wobbly, it's done. (They say you can throw it up and it will stick to the ceiling but that's super ghetto. Spin a fork through the water and if it's wobbly, it's done.)

Drain the water out through a collander, dump the waterless pasta back into the pot, add a little more olive oil to the pasta, mix it up, put it on a plate, toss a few tablespoons of sauce on it, put it on a table with napkins and cutlery and a few glasses of red wine and ta-da! You did it.

BONUS TIP: If your girlfriend is on her way over for dinner, be sure to time it (it will take about an hour) so that she will show up when it's almost ready to serve. Wear a cute apron while you cook so that when she walks in she sees you in it, for extra bonus points. Women love men who dress in drag. I'm telling you secret girl shit here. She'll think it was the cutest thing ever.

As you sit down to eat, make a toast to the two of you.

Sit back and wait for your girlfriend to goo goo, ga ga and coo all over you and show her appreciation to your nether regions later.

2007-07-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

This is a new blog segment called:

Letters From The "Most Honest" Person In The World

Christopher (my "super honest" boyfriend) writes seductive and provocative letters to a variety of women around the world (who aren't me) because obviously not having a job gives him lots of free time. In today's email, he writes to a girl who he constantly tells me as soon as he breaks up with me he is going to fuck her. He writes letters to her and asks her to come over, he has photos of her tits on his computer, here he asks her have lunch with he and I, and if not, then to just to go out with him for lunch. For the record, he's taken me out for lunch about one time in the last four years because he swears he's really broke and poor. Oh, and he's also the most busy person in the world. He doesn't have time to take me out, but he has plenty of time and money to take other girls out.

He just borrowed $2000 from his mom so that he could chase me to Edinburgh. I asked him not to come but he's insisting on going.

from Christopher to the girl:

Today, Jessica made some comment about you and so I said "let's go out for dinner---all THREE of us---so you can meet XXXXXX. You'll like her"
>
> Would you be game? Jessica has a harder time being prejudiced or angry at people she gets to know. (EX: she's now friends with a number of my ex-girlfriends. And two of her best buddies are girls who tried to seduce me and gave me head years back!) (I have high standards and refused to bang em or kiss em or such. They practically date raped me.)
>
> If you are unwilling to have dinner with us (somewhere cheap maybe Yaffa Cafe which I love) how about YOU AND I go out for brunch or such?
>
> I told jessica that every time she loses her temper or beats me I get to write love letters to girls as a response. So I should send you some more if she keeps it up.
>
> Women!
>
> Aargh,
> Christopher

Better Boyfriend Tip: If you are dating someone, don't write seductive or provocative letters to other women. The woman who you are dating is the woman who should get the most attention from you.

2007-05-31T22:19:00.000-07:00

QUESTION FROM A READER: ON DEALING WITH AN ANGRY BOYFRIEND

Heyyy. Chanced upon your blog a few hours ago. Awesome advice but what do you do when your boyfriend is angry at you?? Some tips?

Signed,
Fatima

Dear Fatima:

This blog is not a "Tips For When Your Boyfriend Is Mad At You" blog. This is a blog, mostly for men, about "How To Be A Better Boyfriend."

That being said, this brings up a good point:

Good boyfriends don't get mad at their girlfriends.

Good boyfriends live to make their girlfriends happy. They cook for their girlfriends. They take them out. They show them a GOOD TIME. They tell them jokes and paint their toe nails. If your boyfriend isn't doing these things, maybe he should be reading this blog.

Fatima, what is he mad at you about? Who does he think he is? Doesn't he know that you wear the pants? He is lucky you don't pack your bags and ditch his mad ass.

Unfortunately for women, there are so many hotter women out there than there are men. But most women are nuts. You, Fatima, are not. You are a fluffy pancake of bliss. So, what is going on in his man brain?

If your boyfriend is mad at you, I suggest you respond with kindness, no matter how ridiculous his anger may be. People in general, and especially testosterone laden men, don't respond well when they are mad to you being mad, too. Put on a goo goo face, tickle his tummy, and treat him just like a fat little baby who needs a meal and a nap, because that's what he is. No matter what he says, don't lose your temper. When you lose your temper, YOU LOSE!

Don't mock his anger, Fatima, because that will just make him cheat on you.

Say, "What's wrong?" in your sweetest voice. Rub his shoulders while he tells you. Give him neck kisses and in the lightest of condescending tones, remind him over and over that he's not mad at you, and that you love him. Stop doing whatever it is that makes him mad, if it's something you can stop doing. If it's not, you're going to have to learn how to do it a little less obviously.

Good luck with that mad man!

2007-05-26T10:51:00.001-07:00

'HOW TO BE A BETTER BOYFRIEND' PRESENTS:

Tip #2,143: Clean up your life...starting with your home

SO, you're in between jobs. Not a big deal. You'll get one, you'll pull your share. You aren't a total loser. You're spending some of your day reading this blog, so that is a good start, fella!

However, your girlfriend does have a job. And her job is to show up someplace and get bugged by people all day. "Can I use your friga-frag?" they ask, and then never give the friggin' friga-frag back, leaving her to chase them down for it. "Can I borrow you for a minute?" they imply, and then use her for well over one minute's worth of minutes. "Hi. You look like you need to hear a really boring story about my offspring," they insist in not so many words. Their subtext should come with a warning, but it never does. And even if it did, the only escape is the shitter. And can you really call that an escape?

Then, she comes home, and there you are, in front of the computer / tv / glowing box of some kind, in your underwear / boxers / speedos, and the place looks like a tornado hit it. And it has been hit by a tornado. And that tornado's name is YOU.

This tip can be called a lot of different things. It can be called, "Stop Being A Lazy Sponge." It could be referred to as, "Grow UP, Your Momma Don't Live Here." But you KNOW that, jack ass! It could even be titled, "KILL YOURSELF," but we've really already covered that topic. (See: TIP #114: TO KEEP THE DATING POOL CLEAN, LOSERS MUST COMMIT SUICIDE)

So, for now, we'll just aptly call it, "Clean up your life...starting with your home."

Here are some things you can do to make life better and easier for your girlfriend, so she's not tempted to run away with her silver fox, really just as bad as you boss who just seems better because even though he has a wife, at least he's got a job. If you do this whole list, or even any part of it, she WILL be impressed. And she WILL be shocked and awed. And she WILL like you a little bit better, at least for a few precious moments. And she WILL be tricked into thinking that, maybe there is hope for the two of you at happiness. Little does she know that happiness doesn't exist, and especially not with you, but why spoil the surprise?

Oddly, many men don't know how to do this very basic stuff.
So here are simple lessons within today's lesson:

1. Wow her with clean dishes. Easy! They won't take more than fifteen minutes. You can listen to the game while you scrub, because you probably love sports, because why wouldn't you? You're an utter shit head! But though I can't change your love for men tackling each other, which, let's be honest, is kind of gay, I can help you make subtle improvements in your life.
Take a sponge and squirt soap onto it. Rub it on the dish, especially on areas where there are grime or spots. Wash it til the crud is gone. Rinse off. Repeat until no dishes are left. Bravo! You're almost not retarded!

IDIOT WARNING: While you're listening to the game, do not touch the radio or tv with wet hands, to turn up the sound or what have you. This can cause electrocution which can kill you. Though killing yourself would be one of the kindest things you could do for your girlfriend, I don't want to be responsible for your retarded death.

2. Surprise her! Wash the toilet with a (toilet, not a hair) brush. If you don't own a toilet brush, go buy one. Get into your rusty Subaru and drive it to Walmart and BUY one. They cost less than $5. While you're there, buy a bottle of bleach. It's called CLOROX, but even the cheap generic kind will do the trick. When you get home, go into the bathroom (you know the room well, it's where you spend most of your free time) dump a half a cup of bleach into the toilet and scrub off all (what is mostly your) leavings. Take the brush and scrub it around, like it's your teeth. When done, flush it all away, the way your girlfriend did with her hopes and dreams when she settled for you.

You can also buy fancy toilet cleaner, but it's more expensive and
doesn't necessarily do a better job.

IDIOT WARNING: Don't mix bleach and ammonia, unless you want to do your girlfriend a favor and kill yourself. It creates a poisonous fume that, upon your inhaling, will make your girlfriend's life instantly better. So, warning: don't mix bleach and ammonia.

3. Shock her into submission. Vacuum. You probably have one in some closet somewhere. You don't know where it is, because you've probably never vacuumed in your life. But it's easy. Just look in all the closets until you see something that looks like a sleeping plastic/metal robot, and plug it in. It will make a loud noise, but don't be scared! It's just a piece of electrical machinery that picks up dust and dirt using a sucking motion. Push the vacuum back and forth over carpeted and non-carpeted areas. It's similar to masturbating, so you
should be able to master the motion in moments.

IDIOT WARNING: Do not apply sucking hose nozzle over your penis, even if you heard it is great fun. Even if I just used the word sucking. It can cause serious penis trauma. Plus, going to the hospital because you put a vacuum on your penis will be embarrassing, because someone who works at the hospital will send photos of, what will be referred to by everyone you know as "the vacuum incident" to the local newspaper.
You have been warned.

4. Knock her socks off! Do the laundry. I know you think she actually enjoys washing your semen-encrusted socks, but guess what? She DOESN'T. Start out by just doing yours until you get better at it. (That alone will stun her so much, she'll probably think you're cheating on her.)
It sucks to try to do your girlfriend a favor and then you accidentally wash and ruin a very expensive, non-replaceable silk or wool garment, simply because you are a complete moron. And it is less work for you to do, as you're super lazy and the world knows it.

Don't forget to sort your white clothes together in one pile, and all the other things that are other colors in another pile. But Jessica, I've been mixing my clothes together for years, you internally say as you read this. Well, boyfriend. YOU. ARE. A. RETARD. What are you going to trust? Your retarded brain? Or my smart one? Sort them. If you're doing it at the laundry mat, just ask someone who works there for help, if you're truly as despicable as you probably are. If you have a washer/dryer at home, call your girlfriend at work and ask her to guide you through it. She'll probably be glad you called. While you have her on the phone, tell her you miss her and can't wait to see her. Then, go make the bed. It's so easy even you can do it. Put the blankets in order, sheet first, then blanket. You don't even have to tuck them in. Just sort of lay them on the bed. She'll be so shocked you did that much, she won't complain that they aren't laid out in a more fancy manner.

If you can complete all of these tasks today, Congratulations! You are on the road to becoming a better, not completely incompetent, boyfriend.

Now, repeat this series of tasks about once a week.

Tune in for the next installment, where I teach you more lessons about how to become something resembling an atypical, improved species of the human male.

Until then, remember! No peenie in the suckie tube!

2007-01-15T08:11:00.000-08:00

An introspective, potential better boyfriend writes in today

This long entry was inspired by a gentleman in the Austrian army.

He writes:

i was reading your better boyfirend blog as im not the greatest boyfriend and need to find a way to make my girl feel more loved.

we live apart because of my profession (australian army) and she is tired of her friends and family telling her we shouldnt be together and defending our relationship.

i have trouble showing her how much i really appeciate her and everythign she does, do you have any ideas on how i can show her how much i really appreciate her because im struck for ideas and i want to spend the rest of my life with her

any help would be most appreciated

signed,
****

*His name has been changed to protect this stranger, so I shall rename him:

Armed With Love (and weapons)

Dear Armed With Love (and weapons):

I have a few suggestions for you. For starters, it sounds like you need some serious help, and unfortunately, I'm not really a serious person and this is not really a serious help site. So, that sucks for you.

Second, I have very bad news. The first thing you are going to have to do if you want to be a better boyfriend to this girl is to quit the army. You can't be a good boyfriend from far away. You just can't. You can be a pal, you can be a buddy, you can be a pen pal. But you can't really be a boyfriend. I believe that physical love is really the main component of a relationship.

I'll use this analogy an old boyfriend told me once long ago: A relationship is like an omelette. And sex is the eggs. You can have lots of other things in the omelette too, like veggies and cheese, and chives and salt, but you can't have an omelette without the eggs.

I have been in a long distance relationship (I had a boyfriend who went to jail for seven months - he was an activist and went to jail illegally - more on that some other time) and though he showered me with letters (I got one almost daily, and of course, you should be doing the same thing for your lady gal) it was really hard to be away from this man I had loved emotionally and physically for that long. I'm a very busy performer and I spent a lot of time touring, hanging out with great (mostly) female friends who weren't trying to get into my pants, and visiting him in jail, and I was able to muster through. But without any exaggeration, it was the loneliest, most miserable experience I've ever encountered. I don't recommend it.

I missed him, of course, but the worst part was the time I spent worrying about him. It consumed almost every moment of my waking day. (He was attacked by guards, he was put through traumatizing and violent "correctional" activities, and my friends and TV shows with their obsession on jail rape didn't help any.) My only peace was found in sleep and at the bottom of a bottle. A very big bottle.

So, if you want to be the best boyfriend you can to this girl, I'd recommend that you quit the army and go be her boyfriend.

Therefore, I guess it depends on your morales here, and how important this girl is to you, compared to being in the army. It is a decision you'll have to make alone, comrade.

I hate to ruin the party, but your girlfriend may have already found company in another male companion. I didn't cheat on my boyfriend while he was gone, and some women don't cheat, but it was REALLY hard. And unfortunately, the women I've known who had men in the army - cheated. But to be a better boyfriend, understanding is imperative. So you might need to accept the possibility that this may be so, and then be willing to forgive her and understand why this has happened. If it has happened. If it has not happened, yes, you are very lucky and will need to quit the army to reward her for being so awesome.

The last piece of advice I have is this: don't die or lose any limbs in the army. That will fuck EVERYTHING up. You have no idea how crushing emotionally it will be to this girl to lose you like that! So be extra careful. And finally, when you get out of the army, don't go back in.

So, in closing:

1. Write her letters almost every day if you haven't been already. Don't forget to spell check! Sending small gifts is nice, too, or a piece of your clothing if you can. Smells are important in refreshing the senses. Don't send her a sweaty ball holder. Send her a t-shirt you've slept in after washing. And calling every day is helpful. She needs something that is of you to stay connected to you, be it your voice, your letters or a trinket you send her. Phone sex actually kind of works, too.

2. Forgive her if she has cheated. Don't even ask about it. Just assume she has and forgive her for it / understand.

3. Quit the army, don't die, and when you get out, don't go back in ever again.

It sounds like you were just looking for advice on how to reward your girlfriend for defending you to her family and being so great, but this blog doesn't really work that way. However, I like to please the people. So, I'd say, really, quit the army.

If you can't quit the army, send that chick all your money.

When you get out of the army and want some ideas on how to spoil her, write back to me and I'll refresh my advice then.

Another hard truth is that if you truly care about this poor girl, sometimes you have to do that old set love free thing that all the old wise assholes talk about. You might consider breaking up with her and dating someone in the army, then trying to be a good boyfriend to the army lady. Like, you could carry her mess hall tray and shit like that. That way, the poor other girl could get on with her life and get a decent night's sleep. When you get out of the army, if you aren't mangled or handicapped and are meant to be together, she will re-embrace you with open arms.

Remember - it's really all up to you how you handle it. This entry was written as a humorous essay inspired by your letter, and is not intented to hurt you or anyone else. I wish you luck, safety, a happy, healthy, prosperous life, peace, and all the cake you can have AND eat.

Please keep us posted.

Until next time, dear readers, keep your hearts open and don't forget to bribe fate if you see that bitch!

2007-01-05T00:25:00.000-08:00

TEN TIPS FOR THE NEW YEAR!

1. It's a new year! Start fresh! Forget the past. Try to actually say to your girlfriend: "I forgive you for the past. Now, we are going to start anew." It sounds corny, right? Love is corny! Love is super gay! Love is for losers! If you weren't a corny, gay loser in love, you'd be corny, gay and single, and doing something corny, gay and single...like...being the night manager of Appleby's in Toledo, OH, or maybe working as Metallica's head roadie. Appreciate where you are in life! Once you forgive her, that's it! No more bringing it up and holding it over her like a dozen eggs you can't wait to drop in her hair! Cook the eggs! Cook them! Then, shit them out! They're gone forever! That's the magic of the new year.

2. Try a threesome. Hey, why not? If you both want to, I mean. It's a new year!

3. Do something for your girlfriend this year that you didn't do last year. Did you take her to Great Adventure? No? This is your big chance! Did you massage her whole body with that awesome sugar olive oil scrub I taught you how to make? No? What are you gonna DO with your life? Think about it, budget it out, and buddy, this year, make it happen.

4. Start a new routine. It's a new year! For example: If she's a cool, literate type, read her a chapter of a classic book, weekly, or randomly, or when it fits the mood, before you both go to sleep. That doesn't mean you have to do it every night, or if you or she doesn't want that shit, obviously. Here are some hits: Don Quixote, The Fountainhead, Moby Dick, The Odyssey. Sometimes my boyfriend reads the newspaper to me and I rather enjoy it quite a lot. A little classic novel reading togetherness never hurt anyone's relationship. If your lady doesn't appreciate you reading softly to her from one of the world's finest novels as she drifts off into a peaceful sleep, stop reading this blog. You need more than advice.

5. Find a new spot to take your lady to once a month. It can be a restaurant, it can be a scenic point, it can be a cup cake shop. Whatever it is, do it once a month. It can be on a Friday, it can be on a Tuesday. It can be during the day or during the night. The choices are endless! If you call it something -- special spot night -- or whatever clever little aliterated line you can come up with, that will help you to be able to bring it up later when she says you never take her out. "Well, what about our special spot night?" You can say. And huzzah! You have won.

7. Skip six. Don't you already have a bunch of resolutions, like quit smoking, join a gym, eat less beef, etc. Do those for #6. And while you're doing those things, here's something to help keep you motivated: Beef gives you cancer, smoking gives you cancer, gyms give you -- that's right -- cancer. So tip #7 is, don't get cancer. Good boyfriends do NOT do that.

8. Bowls of treats around the house! Yes! Hershey's kisses...home-made snicker-doodles...dammit, I'm going to turn you into a bunch of pussy-whipped, twat worshipping fags if it's the last thing I do with my wretched life!

9. Purchase a new cartridge and change the ink in the printer. It's out and you were the last person to use it, and you used it a lot in December.

10. Remember how much you love your girlfriend and why you are with her, and why you put up with her bullshit, and why she puts up with yours. Remember it out loud to her face. I dare you. Life is longer than it should be, but short enough that when it ends, it'll be nice to have someone you like hanging around, changing your piss bags and wiping your mouth up then throwing away the spit napkins. Don't forget: women live longer than men, cock face!

Until I am back with new advice - be kind to that "bitch". She'll love you forever, if you'll let her.

2007-01-03T15:19:00.000-08:00

Tip A Billion and three: Misogyny is for homos

It's been working pretty well for you so far, hasn't it? All the desparate, troubled girls come running round to worship your small cock and bolster your phony ego. Does it make you feel important to be the one those sad eyes look up at?

Misogyny is for fags. Seriously. In anywhere from seven to several dozen years, you will wake up one day totally gay! You will be like, "Ooooooohhhhhh! So, THAT'S what was wrong with me!" Then, you'll have to call your exes interrupting them, as by now, they will be involved in good relationships with decent people, because women have the power of introspection, which men, apparently, do not so readily have. So, why not just cut out the whole abusiveness thingy and just go be gay?

No one really knows what makes a man gay. Some people think it's the chemicals that were in the fertility drugs, or the water, or smoking, or microwaving plastic containters, or watching The Wizard Of Oz while pregnant, or crack fumes, or gay pills. But being mean to a woman doesn't make you any less gay. It doesn't make you cool. It doesn't make you funny. It doesn't make you more money. It doesn't make your dick grow. It doesn't make her love you. It makes you pathetic. It makes you live your life in a black hole of doubt and lovelessness. It just makes you sad, because you want to be gay, and you can't be, because Tom will stop hanging out with you, and Peter won't sell you pot anymore, and Phil will try to get you to suck his dick. And you hate Phil!

Just. Go. Be. Gay. Elton John turned it into a multi-million dollar career. Join THAT fad! It's a hell of a lot better than bringing the world down with your internal lying problem! Jerk!

2005-12-17T12:20:00.000-08:00

A Holiday Tip: Don't forget to get your lady a god damn GIFT!

I know many people out there disagree with the sentiments of the new, over corporatized Christmas. I don't think that we should be breaking the bank to buy eachother expensive and fancy gifts in an attempt to show someone we "care", especially when we really don't.

But if you are one of those guys who "doesn't believe in Christmas" or is a "Jehovah's Witness" or who's "mother died on Christmas" or whatever other lie or excuse you have come up with to not have to get your lady a gift, just do everyone a favor and dump your little lady lamb a week prior to Christ's special day.

This being said, I do not encourage you to "spend two month's salary" on a gift. I do not encourage you to go to the mall at 5 am and spend the day searching for that special surprise. A girl will tell you what she wants for Christmas without you having to ASK. All you have to do is LISTEN. I know it's a crazy concept for most men, but GIVE IT A WHIRL! It's not as difficult as you think.

$20 or less is a perfectly appropriate amount to spend on a lady. You can even MAKE her something for very cheap...if you can muster time away from your video game console or stack of Playboys. One of the best gifts I ever got was from a boyfriend who BUILT me a DESK from SCRATCH. I still have that desk to this day. I should have kept the guy who went with it...

Here are some suggestions, be you a daft (and poor) monkey of a man:

* A bouquet of flowers and a simple piece of jewelry, such as a barette or a pin
* A delicious treat, whatever her favorite one is, a card and a good book
* A soft, cozy towel and some nice soap, in a pretty basket
* A hand-made just about ANYTHING
* A weekend away together somewhere
* Yummy smelling lotion, a bath candle and a card

Presentation is important. Put it in a stocking, a basket, a cup, some kind of pretty container. Tie a ribbon around it. That's about all there is to it.

Here's a home made gift that anyone can make:

Get a pretty cobalt blue jar shaped like a Noxema jar or something similar (you can get one at an art store or what have you for $3 or $4 bucks) - glass is preferrable, but plastic is okay. Fill it 3/4 of the way with olive oil. Fill it 1/4 of the way with sugar. Mix it up. Put the lid on it and tie a white ribbon around the top.
Voila! Home-made foot scrub. Sounds weird, but I bet you your lady will be surprised and delighted! To top it all off, make her a beautiful home-made card and take her to the movies.

You can do things like this once a week! It doesn't just have to be a Christmas thing.

It's not that hard to not be a total dick wad! It's actually pretty easy to do nice, simple things for people you care about. Try it today!

2005-12-16T21:50:00.000-08:00

TIP FOR UGLY JERKS

If you want to be a good boyfriend, don't be ugly. Girls like guys who are hot. If your face is busted, do whatever you can to overcompensate. Work out. If you can't afford to have a gym membership, ride a bike around. Stop shoving donuts into your gap. And just try one time not to eat a whole entire block of cheese in one sitting.

If you're ugly, make sure you have a great personality to make your ugliness shine, like the way MASK did in that movie, MASK. As many readers of this blog have surely learned from many ruined relationships due to their assholery, an ugly personality is even worse than an ugly face. I've dated several 6s or 7s whose personalities jacked them up to 9s and 10s.

If you're ugly and your personality stinks, the least you can do is buy your girl lots of nice stuff. It won't last long, but you can float from two month relationship to two month relationship until you get too old for your sperm to care what you do anymore.

I would say something stupid like, "Just be yourself!" but no one wants to date an ugly, bad personality having creep. NO ONE. Not even your mother. But if your mother will date you, I'd say go for it, because otherwise you'll have to resort to dating girls who are too young and stupid to know any better. That might be fun for awhile, but eventually they will grow up and realize that you're a waste, and possibly, hopefully, kill you in your sleep. And your mother probably wouldn't do that, if only out of loyalty.

If there's anything that could be considered motivation to being a better boyfriend, let that be it - if you piss off the wrong broad, she could slice your throat while you dream of vaginas and rainbows. Anyone remember a lady named Lorena Bobbitt? That man is lucky to have his throat intact.

Until next time, try to forgive your parents and bake a cake for the poor or something.

And never forget you are ugly if you are! It will keep you humble, and girls dig humility and shit.

2005-12-15T11:23:00.000-08:00

TIP #114: TO KEEP THE DATING POOL CLEAN, LOSERS MUST COMMIT SUICIDE

In writing this silly little blog, I've learned something important. It appears that there are a lot more shitty dudes on the planet than I ever could have known. Alas, this news has become clear to me in the time of our lord's happiest celebratory hour, in this festive, non-denominational season.

It seems that I've overlooked a very important piece of dating advice, and that is this: Some men are absolutely unrepairable.

Some people don't want to be fixed, can't be fixed, won't look inside of themselves and only want to point fingers, yell (sometimes in all caps) and otherwise behave like buffoons, in person and/or on the internet. Who knows why this is? Perhaps it is because they were drop-kicked in the teeth too many times or not enough times by their drunken fathers at a young age. Perhaps their mommies didn't give them enough hugs, money, blow jobs or whatever the hell else they surely demanded from their mothers, or perhaps she gave too much. Some people don't appreciate love. I'm sure it's hard to guess what the recipe for disaster will be when parenting, until it's too late.

In the case that you are an unrepairable loser, the best thing you, as a loser of a man can do for your girlfriend and for your society, is to drink a full bottle of whiskey, get into your jalopy of a car and drive it off a cliff.

I'm sorry to have to put it so bluntly, but you, sir, have no reason to live, much less muck up some perfectly healthy, pleasant young woman's life - one who could certainly do much better than you crap heap of a shit log of a boyfriend.

Until next time, this has been a tip on how to be a better boyfriend. If you truly love your girlfriend, please follow this advice and your girlfriend will live a long, happy, healthy life!

2005-12-13T17:23:00.000-08:00

Don't Play Childish Games

There's some lame line in the dumb ass bible that basically says, "When I was a child, I did childish things, and when I became an adult, I put childish things aside." I don't even know the exact line, nor do I care, because I think the bible is mostly a lot of boring begats this and thou thats. But what appeals to me about this specific example is the sentiment that lies within.

In case you are daft, what it means is that adults behave like adults. Children behave like children.

Games are for kids.

You know when you are playing a game. It's when your inner voice is speaking in a whiney tone. "Well, if she won't blerpitty bleep, then I won't werpitty weep." Chances are, if she won't blerpitty bleep, and there's not a good reason why she won't, she's playing a game herself. But if you respond by werpitty weeping, you sir, are playing it, too.

I am so sick and tired of being involved in relationships where I have to constantly be on guard. I want to let my guard down. I like to be who I really am. And who doesn't? Games prevent people from being real. Games are fancy dresses for people who are too insecure to wear regular, sensible pants.

If you find yourself unable to NOT do the back and forth tit for tat routine, that means one or both of you are unable to honestly communicate.

At a certain point in a relationship, if you plan to progress, the two of you will have to look each other in the eyes and say what you mean and mean what you say. And the outcome will be peace and cozy warmth that comes from being in the closest thing that we as humans can muster to true love.

If you don't plan to progress, then at least play a fun game together, like Candy Land or - here's a good one - Get Out Of My House, You're Wasting My Time.

Til next time, remember - if George Bush was in love, there wouldn't be a war.

2005-12-09T08:49:00.000-08:00

Good Boyfriends Are Cute At Least Some of the Time!

Here's a tip that seems like it's out of your control, but it really is not. Good boyfriends should be cute, at least some of the time. Maybe you're a mountain man and spend your days carrying dead rabbits around in bunches over your shoulder as you guzzle whiskey out of a thermos. (Not as sexy as it sounds, gentlemen!) Maybe you've got, as Stuckey & Murray put it, "One foot in the closet and the other on a banana peel."

Either way, it is, as a good boyfriend, your responsibility to be cute, at least some of the time. If you're a rugged lumber jack, you can be cute in between de-treeing the planet. And if you're already cute most of the time, even it out with a little ruggedness.

I guess the major moral of this tip is balance.

But it's mostly about being cute.

How does one define cute? Some say it is a physical quality. Others say it is mental, or behavioral. One person posted on my other blog today, "Wow, you are ugly!" But this doesn't hurt me, because I know it simply is not true. Even if the person actually thought my face was physically unattractive (which it is not, at least not to some), I am cute, and here are some ways how:

1. I make things for people. Cards on Christmas, gifts on birthdays, blowjobs.
2. I wear bows and frills. Not all the time, not in excess. Sometimes and with care.
3. I cook meals for people who I like. I'm not even a great cook, but I try.
4. I say things that I feel like saying, even if they are strange. Sometimes they comes out sounding cute.

Boys, if you do those four things listed above to the women you date, you will be a better boyfriend. If you are already doing those things, then keep this in mind: Sports are boring and you aren't fooling anyone.

2005-12-02T08:38:00.000-08:00

Tip #731: Don't Go To Sleep In A Fight

With every boyfriend I've ever had except for one, I've adhered to this rule. It makes the sleep crusty. It's like going to bed on a stomach so full of junk food and alcohol, you are bound to wake in the night with cramps, night sweats and reeking of old socks.

If the two of you are so unhappy with eachother that you can't even make up before you go to sleep, what's the point of dating at all? Do you think it's going to magically get better one day?

Anger is negative energy, wrapped around you like a meany burrito.

Going to sleep in a fight just makes the world a sadder place for everyone.

2005-11-26T00:24:00.000-08:00

TIP #32: PUT ON PANTS SOMETIMES

Getting close to a guy might mean that you'll be very intimate. You might even feel the inside of his butt hole with your finger, if fate allows for it. But after you're done being intimate, in the following moments to hours when you're lounging around the pad, for christ's sake, man, put on some god damn pants. Shorts will do, or sweats, but not denim - not when you're cuddling around the pad. Basically anything cozy and fuzzy will do, soft cotton, fluffy jogging pants. This is stage two of intimacy, called cozy, hugging mode. This is not a time for plastic or parachute pants, nor anything with random exposed velcro patches just for display. Hammer pants might work. Pants on an exposed, cut (or even sorta cut) torso is often a winning vision. But if it's not cut or sorta cut, put pants on your torso, too, in the form of a soft tee shirt, a fuzzy or stretchy top, a fluffy thingy, or something else. Not a towel. Not a too small tank top. Not a rubber haute couture number. Not a scratchy jacket-y thing.

If you're palling around in hang out mode, and one or both of you is always naked during this time, there should be a pile of heroin nearby or certification papers.

I mean, sure, I dig seeing your thingy bouncing around all over the place, especially when it's bouncing around all over the place before, during and even for a time after entry. But it's only cute protruding through your underwear that *should* be white for up to an hour after our savory time. Then it's just...um, dirty.

After that, it's time to remember that you have neighbors, and that no matter how much your girl ***loves!!!!*** you, familiarity, with ANY part of your body, including your body as a whole, clothed or naked, breeds contempt.

On the other hand, don't finish doing it, then jump up and make a mad 50 yard dash to put on your khakis, belt and boat shoes. And for god's sake, don't do a running long jump into the shower directly after sex. It's just fucking rude. If you're that afraid of being dirty, you might as well wash your hands with a brillo pad and pesticides, 48 times a day. You shouldn't be having sex, you should be gargling Murphy's Oil.

Until next time, remember, there's a fine line between being an uptight asshole and toooooo loooooooose. Note and observe the line!

2005-11-23T14:45:00.000-08:00

Today's Tip: Jewelry

Hey boyfriend. If you love your girl, you will buy her jewelry. Maybe you take her to the movies, though! Maybe you take her out to dinner, though! And, maybe you drive her around town in your car, though! Maybe you do her nice favors, like pick her up a thissy or a thatty at the store, though!

Well, those things are just dandy, Jack, but if you LOVE a girl; I mean, if you REALLY, REALLY LOVE a girl, you buy her a piece of jewelry. You don't have to buy her a WEDDING RING, you don't have to spend a thousand dollars at Tiffany's.

You can even MAKE her a piece of jewelry, if you're crafty enough to, though just about any idiot can make a piece of jewelry, you don't have to be a genius to figure it out. As a matter of fact, she'll probably appreciate it even more if you make it yourself, provided it's not totally ugly. You can make jewelry out of just about anything. Google how to make jewelry on line. Impress the girl, dammit!

You can give her a pin or an antique broach, even though it's not all the rage to give a girl a broach anymore, it's unique and strange, and says something to a girl, like, "I think you are unique and strange."

You can give her a piece of beaded jewelry or a hair barrette or a pair of earrings if you are too scared to give her a ring. Rings do symbolize something kind of intense and grand, and if you're reading this blog, you're probably not there yet.

Guys who really like their girlfriends get them gifts of LOVE. Gifts of love are not toasters, or yoga classes, or CDs or gift certificates, or cook ware. Gifts of LOVE are gifts that you give that say everything for you. Jewelry, something ornate, something delicious, something extravagant, something out of character from you, something that means you'll have to be alone to use it, something that involves packing a suitcase and leaving town together. Those are gifts of LOVE.

If you don't LOVE the girl you're dating, why bother?

Christmas is coming up, and if you're someone who plans to get your lady a corporate mall gift because you feel obligated and have no creativity, here's an idea, just stick your own penis in your own asshole instead. Get a gal a gift because you want to and because you like her, and make it something nice, because if you don't, she will ditch your ass for a sensitive guy with a pony tail.

That's today's tip. Read it and do it.

2005-11-22T17:48:00.000-08:00

GOOD BOYFRIENDS DON'T GO TO JAIL

If you have the urge to go to jail, just think twice about it. Good boyfriends do NOT go to jail.

Think about what happens while you are in jail, boyfriend. Your girlfriend is sad and alone. That guy who had his eye on her anyway (and you know that at any given moment, there are at least 10 - 15 of those guys, depending on how hot your missy is) knows you went to jail, because he read it in the crime blotter or whatever. So, keep that in mind as you're getting ready to rob a bank/break and enter/pull off a heist featuring a Merecedes and three bald, well-suited fellows/freedom fight the system.

These are the things that you should think about:

1. Am I willing to let my girlfriend get made sweet, sweet love to by that guy she works with who she always tells me is so funny while I'm locked up in the slammer?
2. Is the crime I'm about to commit worth the time?
3. Can I just punch a punching bag or eat some chips or do some other activity that will be equally fulfilling?

Remember, boys, good boyfriends stay out of jail, so they can cook for their girlfriends, massage their feet with tea tree oil, run their fingers through their lady's silken tresses, kiss the delicate triangle of consumation just above their knee caps and just below their belly buttons!

So, the question for you right now should be, what kind of boyfriend are you? A good one or a bad one? And the second question is, can you be better somehow, like by staying out of jail?

If you are one of those guys who would never go to jail because you have a friend or relative high up in the system, or you're a law abiding wiener or whatever the case may be, you should know that being boring and safe does nothing for your relationship either.

It's better to walk the fine line, you adorable jack ass.

2005-09-23T14:56:00.000-07:00

Hey, you! Yes, you! You can be a better boyfriend.

How?

Well, it's easy! Get a job!

It doesn't matter what job it is, really. As long as you can do it and you are somewhat content there for the hours you have to be there for. Whatever it is, get there and show up regularly, and on time. Keep going back. Collect paycheck. Be sure to then cash paycheck. Use money to take care of life expenses, save the rest. Don't spend it on fancy music playing devices, or magnets from Urban Outfitters.

About once a week, take anywhere from $10 to $100, depending on the job you got, and spend it on you and your girlfriend doing something together. If you're poor, buy a nice bag of sour green apples, the big juicy ones, and take her to the scenic overlook in the midst of the Williamsburg Bridge to eat them. If you're rich, take her to Supper on Ave. A and 2nd and treat her to a fancy feast.

Do this for about two years. If you still like her, ask her to marry you.

Nice work!

2005-09-16T07:52:00.000-07:00

QUICK TIP: Don't tell your girlfriend what she can and can't read. Even if it's a self-help book.

You aren't 'really' anyone's 'daddy', that's just a term you appreciate because it helps to explain your dick problems. No one gets up in your craw when you masturbate to Playgirl. So, try to have the same respect for your ladyfriend.

Until next time, remember - jerks are a dime for seventeen dozens, and sometimes even cheaper than that.

2005-09-15T19:41:00.000-07:00

Hey, sir! You can be a better boyfriend! Here's how.

Today's Tip: No one likes to babysit a drunk.

No one wants to hang out with someone who who got drunk, turned obnoxious, and then got sick or hurt. And they definitely don't want to hang out with someone who who got drunk, turned obnoxious, and then got sick or hurt twice.

The next time you are taking your lady out with a plan to drink, follow these easy rules if you want to not be a dumb jerk.

Rule #1: Don't drink too much. I'm not going to tell you
the number of drinks that equals too many, because it's different for everyone. A very good starting tip: Don't drink on an empty stomach.

Rule #2: If you accidentally get too drunk, STOP DRINKING IMMEDIATELY. You know that feeling you get where you're like, ahhhh! I'm so drunk! Everything is spinning! Holy shit, this is fucking awesome! Oh, no, I think I'm gonna barf! And now I think I just peed. Try to start setting a precedent in your head now that THOSE KINDS OF THOUGHTS = YOU ARE DRUNK.

Set down that watered down glass of Jack, Jack. Tell your date you are too drunk. The best thing to do is ask her to take you home, or get yourself home. She might even nurse you back to health - with her vagina!

Rule #3: If you are a belligerent drunk, DON'T DO THAT. It's going to be hard to get someone else to play Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir" for you while you puke. And it really helps take the edge off a hardcore hurl if you're getting the Led out along with the excess booze. So, APOLOGIZE for being rude to your ladyfriend (we'll already assume you've probably done or said a half dozen things that have been just plain wrong) and nicely ask her to crank up the Zep for you while you hurl. Provided, she stuck around that long.
If she did, you might consider becoming a better boyfriend because it's not easy to find a nice girl who will hang while you hurl.

Rule #4: When you wake up the next day with a huge headache, blurry vision and vomit in your hair, make up for ruining that night out by taking her on a different date (if she'll let you) and maybe just have ONE DRINK ONLY that night, if any drinks at all.

If you get your courage from a bottle, you don't need a girlfriend, you need a psychotherapist and some fucking balls. Don't be a pussy. That's a tip for next time.

Until next time, remember, being a better boyfriend can keep your hair free of green chunks.

2005-09-12T14:16:00.000-07:00

TODAY'S TIP: Get a job or have a hobby.

If you aren't working full-time at Dwayne Reade or Saks Fifth Avenue, it's not a big deal, but you should have a regular steady income. Perhaps you are an actor and you have an excuse not to have a "real" job, such as during the day you go to auditions or at night you perform in showcases. If being an actor is what you want to do, you should treat it like your job, even if it's only a part-time job. You should spend at least 4 hours or more a day, focusing on your goal. That means looking for auditions, auditioning, sending out head-shots, or whatever crap actors do when they want to become actors. But if you want to take the easy route, just get a damn job - preferrably a high-paying one.

Ideally, both you and your girlfriend should have jobs. But if neither of you do, you and your girlfriend will be spending too much time together and will start to hate eachother. You and her both need time away from eachother so that you can miss eachother. Not too much time away from eachother mind you - just a few hours apart is all it should take for you to miss eachother if you are truly in love.

Super ideally, you should be making all the money and your girlfriend should be cooking you home-made meals, fluffing up the pillows and sucking your dick on a regular basis, when she isn't reading her favorite writer's new novel in a chair in the sun with a pretty hat on, painting her toe nails a delightful shade of sparkling pink on the deck overlooking the beach in your back yard, or hosting a ladies tea and luncheon on the roof patio garden. Tip: You don't need to be rich to have things like "gardens" and "decks". These aren't necessarily out of your reach, especially if you happen to be resourceful and/or handy.

But the goal of this site is to just try to get all you thoughtless assholes out there (and you know who you are) to be "better" boyfriends, not the best ones in the world, though if you shoot for "the best", you might land somewhere within the range of "acceptable". Which is almost unacceptable.

You can be a better boyfriend, but it, like anything in life worth being, requires work. Until next time, clip your finger nails, make sure there's no dirt underneath them. And call your mom, you thoughtless asshole. Do you know she squeezed you OUT OF HER VAGINA?

2005-09-11T09:54:00.000-07:00

ASK A QUESTION, GET AN ANSWER

Today, a question from a man with a plan to be a better boyfriend. Please don't be afraid to e-mail any and all better boyfriend questions, whether you are male, female, a good boyfriend already or a complete terror, even if you think they are dumb questions. I'll be the judge.

Hi Jessy,

Long time reader, first time writer-in-er. I think your advice on being a great boyfriend is really good, but what about the flip side? You know - the age old dilemma of being too good a boyfriend and then leaving no room on her part for the proverbial chase.

How do you balance the two and know when you’re putting too much effort in and coming off as a lamewad?

Signed,
Mr. Balance

Dear Mr. Balance:

Some people, in an attempt to woo, sometimes over-woo. But here's a tip: If you do something kind for your girlfriend and she doesn't appreciate it, you are working too hard. It is easy to tell if she is appreciative. You might lie to yourself and say she is trying to be coy, or playing hard to get. But in the animal kingdom, we all display natural reactive behavior. When man, bird, or platypus touches something hot, they recoil. When dog, wildebeast or 12 year old girl tastes something disgusting, they remove it from their mouths. When we do something kind for someone, if they are touched, they show appreciation. If they are not, they don't. If you do something kind for your girlfriend and she does not respond "in kind", then that should be your first sign that you are working too hard. "In kind" can be anything from a genuine, warm smile to a handjob. You might not always get the reaction that you were hoping for, but you should be able to tell if she appreciates you or not through obvious physical cues, if she isn't yet ready to give verbal cues.

As a general rule, don't let too much time go by without doing something nice for your girlfriend. If when you first met, you would take her on a bike ride every weekend, and it was something you both enjoyed doing, why should that stop? Every day, you should do something nice for your girlfriend, because every day, the shittiness of life prevails. As her boyfriend, you should be her best friend. You should be the one person who knows her so well, you could ruin her with a word, but instead you lift her up and give her joy. And she should do the same to you.

Another tip: Though it may be hard to not spoil someone who you are smitten with, it's good to try to match behavior. If she is coy, you can play coy right back. But if you are both always coy, either or both of you are not being honest with the other.

Honesty is important in relationships and in life. If you like someone, or if you hate someone, you should never be afraid to say so. If more people were vocally honest, this world would be a much better place.

A note on hurting someone's feelings: You should have had your feelings hurt on thousands of occasions by the time you are an adult. It happens. It's part of life. Feelings are for hurting. That is why dating sucks so badly - because you are basically giving someone permission to learn you inside and out and that makes you vulnerable to being hurt. You should be prepared to have your feelings hurt all the time. But you don't have to tolerate bad behavior from anyone. Only you can decide how many times a person is allowed to hurt your feelings before they have reached "too many times". And in a sound relationship, there should be a natural balance of all emotions without either of you having to "try" to do anything.

Finally, it is very important not to get caught up in any chase. Relationships aren't obstacle courses, they are sensitive, intimate encounters with a human animal, which is not so unlike a wild animal. If neither of you can handle that, just fuck random strangers you meet on Craigslist until you are mature enough to love and be loved.

Until next time, remember - being a boyfriend is easy. Being a better boyfriend is easy, too.

2005-09-07T08:33:00.000-07:00

TIP OF THE DAY: MAKE SURE YOU DON'T SMELL

Boyfriends - here's a tip that involves soap. It's never appropriate to smell like a steak sandwich that has been running laps. When you've got that "not so fresh" feeling everywhere, it's time to take a break and head for the room of bath.

Get your ass in that shower! Take the soap and rub it over your ample front area! Scrub up and down your gams in an orderly fashion! Deposit the tip of the soap into the hole where no woman dare go! Slosh it around your two only true friends in life! Shimmy it around your back and neck and face area! Get up in those untoned arm flaps! Get in there! Don't forget to rinse, and shampoo.

Now, as we've all witnessed in cabs, sometimes people smell and either they aren't aware of it, some magical how, or they truly enjoy the reekings of their own gravy. So try the reverse. When you begin to smell that delicious perfume de ew that you love, it's that time again.

But here's an easy rule of thumb: TRY to shower daily. A clean man is a coveted man.

2005-09-06T09:36:00.000-07:00

HOW TO BE A BETTER BOYFRIEND:
No one likes a bossy pants

In my household my father had a saying for my mother. It went, "There's only one captain on this ship, and it's me." What a douche!

Here is a tip for all you gentlemen out there who would like to be able to maintain a semblance of companionship into your later years. There's no "captain" on a relation "ship". It should be more like, two people who gently row the boat along.

Many men enjoy being bossed around and they pay good money to get their nuts crunched on, their asses spanked with paddles, their faces smooshed into plates of food and whatever other messy, awkward scenarios submissives typically dig. But those people are crazy. Most normal dating relationships don't involve a "boss" or "leader", or "people who stomp on your nuts". When most people think of "boss", they think of that dick wad at work that they hate who makes them do things that are annoying for a very small amount of pay.

Do you want to be thought of as someone's asshole boss?

Here's what bosses do:
- give you lots of pointless jobs and errands to do
- make you work late when you have to be somewhere fun
- create sterile work environments that discourage you from getting comfortable
- act like they know everything when they usually don't
- never give you pay raises
- try to hump you in the employee bathroom and then act like nothing happened

Another word for "bossy" is "bully". You're not a bully, are you? Girls like to be kissed, hugged, and given presents. Girls, and really most anyone, likes to be encouraged and uplifted. If you want to be someone's daddy-figure, treat her more along the lines of your little girl who can do no wrong, not like your unwanted heat-of-the-moment mistake that you are now stuck with.

Remember, if you don't like the girl you're dating, you can ALWAYS BREAK UP WITH HER!

It may seem harsh, after all, if you don't "take care" of her, who will?

Get this: she'll take care of herself, the same way she did BEFORE she met you.

So, in closing, don't be a task mastering, slave-driving, boss-man, or trust me - one day you will get FIRED for a less bossy lover.

2005-09-03T19:46:00.000-07:00

QUICK LIST OF DO'S AND DONT'S!

If you follow this quick list of do's and don'ts, you'll be on your way to being a better boyfriend in no time!

- DON'T call your girlfriend a bitch upwards of 20 times a day in a snide, joking manner. Under five times is generally plenty.

- DO call your girlfriend candy face, chocolate cup cake, pumpkin pie head, happy puppy, sweet heart, pretty pretty princess, little baby angel butt, or make up your own - just take two to five cute words and pair them together in an adorable run on sentence. Say it in a baby voice, and follow that by kissing (one time each) her nose, each of her pretty cheeks, the round of her shoulders, and back of her neck. (HINT: Don't over do this. This is not to be done more than one time a day, or two if it's a particularly sappy sweet boyfriend / girlfriend fun-having day. If you do this too often, she will start to hate your guts.)

- DON'T constantly drum on the floor with drumsticks.

- DO take your girlfriend out to dinner.

- DON'T insist your girlfriend stop writing something important to watch a TV docu-drama about Danny Pelosi, then get mad when she doesn't.

- DO buy your girlfriend one of those 25 cent bodega ice cream sandwiches for no reason at all. And buy her some beer, too. Corona, preferrably. (If you buy a lime, cut it up and stick one slice into the top of the beer, she WILL be impressed.)

- DON'T insult your girlfriend in front of some strange homeless guy.

- DO get your priorities straight in life.

Adhere to these DOs and DONT's, or manipulate them just slightly to fit your girlfriend's lifestyle (perhaps she prefers Red Stripe or Michelob?) and you will be on your way to becoming in the longterm, the world's greatest boyfriend, and in the short term, a better one.

2005-08-31T15:49:00.000-07:00

Here's something a good boyfriend does NOT do:

A good boyfriend does not say "rrf!" or "a-doi!" after his girlfriend says something that he already knows. Boyfriends who look 38 but try to act as if they look 37 are just depressed that they are finally actually old. You made it! Jerk!

A good boyfriend, actually, finally "matures", like a fine wine or jar of peanut butter. So, think about that one for a minute, and then consider other possible answers to questions you already knew the answers to, such as:

- (cheerily) Yes, I know!
- (serious) Thank you for telling me, I did not know that!
- (retort) Witty comeback (must be actually funny)
- (nod)
- Take her to dinner and tell her how beautiful her eyes are.
- Make passionate love to her right there, that instant, and then feed her chocolate until you fall asleep, wake up around 11 pm to lock the door and turn off the tv.

That's today's tip.

2005-08-21T00:46:00.000-07:00

Hey there! You! You CAN be a better boyfriend, starting TODAY! Here's a quick tip:

When someone does something shitty to your girlfriend, don't take the other person's side and then back it up with lame rhetoric, like, "The world is a hard place. Shitty things happen. You need to be ready for shitty things to happen."

You don't have to be a blaze cock to your girlfriend.

2005-08-18T10:35:00.000-07:00

TODAY'S TIP: Don't touch girls who aren't your girlfriend!

A handshake, a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a pat on the pack...these are all familiar forms of physical interaction that we share on a daily basis, whether we are lovers, business partners, friends or sometimes even enemies.

However, you should know where to draw the line between general friendly physical interaction and a touch that has a sexual overtone. This may sound "crazy" as boys like to often call girls, and vice versa, but it's something to keep in mind.

For example: I have a very attractive male friend who loves to touch me a lot in front of his ex-girlfriend. He will try to give me a big bearhug, or touch or rub my shoulder with a salad of subtext, ranging from a straight out, "I'd fuck you" to "My ex hates it when I do this." I know what his game is, whether he does or not, and when he tries to affectionately manhandle me in front of his ex, I say very frankly, "Don't touch me."

This has happened twice and I don't think it will happen again.

I don't want to be responsible for aloofly interacting with his insecurity or for hurting my friend's feelings, as I know it must. Even if I didn't think it hurt my friend's feelings, I know that human beings are full of shit 90% of the time, and when they act as if they are doing one thing, they are actually doing something else.

In closing, don't touch women sensually who are not your girlfriends, either in front of them or behind their backs, unless you agree it is something you can both do, and your relationship has an open "touch" policy.

2005-08-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

TODAY'S TIP IS ON PARTY ETIQUETTE

When you and your girlfriend are supposed to meet at a party, be sure to greet her upon entering the room. If you don't see her right away, you can greet friends first, etc., but make sure at some point you meet up with her and say hello.

If there are females at the party who you've professed your love and admiration over in detail to your girlfriend, it's a good idea to keep any chat sessions you have with them brief. Just admire them from afar, instead.

When going to a party, a nice, reasonable amount of time to stay for is 3 hours, unless the situation calls for you to stay longer. If you end up staying for 8 hours, try to spend some of that time talking to your girlfriend.

If you're talking forever and ever with a girl who you've told your girlfriend "she should separate you from if she ever sees you talking to her", don't be surprised if your girlfriend comes over to make her presence known. And when she does, give her some attention. She obviously wants it.

The bottom line is, your girlfriend, and really anyone, wants to and deserves to be loved. So don't hold out on her. Love her, you fucking selfish anus. And if you don't love her, just tell her, so she can put time into finding someone who does.

2005-08-13T11:50:00.000-07:00

BETTER BOYFRIEND - TIP #3:

When sending out mass e-mails to hundreds of friends, fans and strangers, it's a good idea to not write defamatory statements about your girlfriend in these emails. Even if you think they are true and you want to tell the whole world or embarrass your girlfriend in some way, it's not a good idea to do that. Even if you are a lover of truth and honesty, if you want to continue dating the girl, it is not a good idea to do that. Even if you are in a band together and think it'd be a funny joke, it just makes you look like a jerk.

If you are trying to ruin your relationship, start a fight, upset your girlfriend, break up with your girlfriend, hurt or ruin her reputation somehow, or make yourself look like a complete asshole in front of your mass mailing list, then you should definitely send out mass e-mails smearing your girlfriend to her friends and fans. And you are probably reading the wrong blog - you probably mean to read "How To Be A Shittier Boyfriend" which you've apparently been reading.

But if you want to have a healthy, caring, intimiate relationship with someone who you love more than anyone else and consider to be someone who you want to protect and care for, then you will take this advice.

2005-08-13T10:03:00.000-07:00

HOW TO BE A BETTER BOYFRIEND - TIP #2:

This is a summer tip -

Get a large, spacious home and make sure it is ice cold.

If you are too poor too afford to get a large, spacious home and keep it ice cold, you shouldn't be dating. You should be working to make some money so that you can afford to someday date.

This tip will improve your relationship with everyone. It will even benefit you -
women are saggier in the stifling heat.

If you are going to selfishly date anyway, even though you can't afford to have a large, spacious home without air conditioning, then at least have a small home free of clutter and implement a THREE FAN cooling system. A two fan cooling system is okay for you, but not for you and a babe. It's not even good enough for you and a prostitute. It's barely even good enough for you and a pet.

So if you want to be a better boyfriend, implement climate control!

2005-08-11T21:51:00.000-07:00

You can be a better boyfriend! It doesn't take too much effort. Just try not to be so fucking selfish, you fucking asshole. I know, your mom cooked a lot of food for you, or your dad beat you with a belt, or whatever. But you don't have to be so fucking insensitive to every female around you.

Now that I got that off my chest, I mean my tits, allow me to clarify.

You can be a better boyfriend! It just takes a little bit of effort. It's not only your responsibility. You could be trying to impress the wrong woman. How do you know if it's the wrong woman? Well...she's not impressed.

You might also find most of my advice can be used to benefit most relationships, not just dating relationships. This is ettiquette. Use it or don't, but if you don't, people will probably think you're just a jerk, and your life will be shittier than it has to be.

TODAY'S TIP: When you are supposed to meet a girl somewhere, you should arrive on time. It's okay to be exactly on time, or within five minutes of agreed meeting time, but just show up on time. This is good advice for when you are supposed to meet any person; be they guy, girl, shim, or whatever.

But even more important -- when you enter the room you are supposed to meet them in, look for them. Make eye contact with them. Wave, connect. Perhaps you're in a hurry to take a quick piss -- give them a hi hand signal, point to your crotch, and then give them the international one minute signal, which is any finger in the up direction. (The middle finger indicates first and foremost "fuck you" and THEN "one minute!") Do NOT walk in like you are cock of the walk and in some kind of important person hurry, or like you are making sure to avoid connecting because you are trying to portray an image of superiority and grandiosity. That is gay, and no one cares about you or your feigned importance. It doesn't matter if you are the guy with every key to every door in the place on your keyring.

Finally, be sure to eventually make a physical connection with that person. Give them a high five, a kiss on the cheek, a pat on the shoulder or back, a hand shake, a hug, an intense stare into the eyeballs...whatever it may be...do it and mean it.

Until next time, remember...it's not that hard to not be a cock!